Life's Sick Lil' Games...

I seem to live in a society where marriage is something that you HAVE to do by the age of 25. So I'm 24 this year; without a boyfriend.

So what?

Whenever people talk to me about getting married, all I can do is force myself to NOT puke in my mouth. The word MARRIAGE scares the hell out of me!

So shoot me if I never did go long enough with a boy to call it a relationship. I date to know whether we can go further. But somehow, I never go further than that. I just don't connect well with them. Some small annoyance, like the way they eat, the way they treat people in general, the clingy-ness...they just get to me. Yes, and the guys I have major crushes on...they're taken. TAKEN...and I don't like being a third party in any circumstance whatsoever.

So yes, I want a guy who can understand me well. Whom I can understand well. Oh yeah, while I'm at it...since ALL guys say looks are important, why not take that route too? I've been saying that looks aren't important, but what the hell...from now on, I'm gonna follow suit. I've always been a follower of attraction; but to me, it wasn't JUST the looks. It included something called intelligence, a great sense of humor, a bit of witty sarcasm, a bit of geekism, and a hint of machismo. But since LOOKS are important to guys...oh, well...when in Rome...

Yeah, looks like I'm lacking in the ideas department...so I thought I'd go with a "bitter" post...thanks. Have a great Monday!

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I've been watching (500) Days of Summer over and over and over again. OMG, it's so utterly wonderful I find myself quoting the lines since i've watched it for the 1000th time.

The story is amazing, the songs...don't get me started. I have the soundtrack and it pretty much sums up every scene of the movie. The fun parts the sad parts, etc...

I now understand one thing, though...I might have to accept the fact that i would never ever find that guy i've always hoped for. The first reason is...he doesn't exist. Second, I am so over it. All i've been doing was living an idealistic dream of finding Mr. Right. Nevermind waiting forever..as long as you never settle for less than you deserve.

I blame Hollywood. I blame love songs. I blame my high standards. I blame my "don't settle" attitude. I blame myself.

And yet...I still can't seem to accept just any man in my life. Maybe because they are not "him" -- you know...that guy! That guy i've been building in my head. He's totally perfect, and because of this, I can't accept anybody who isn't "him". I'm not just another girl who is boy-crazy and will accept any guys who fancies her (like a few girls I know). I know I keep talking about hot guys and shit like that...but that is just me being that playful me that I am. It takes a lot to impress me. I know it's harsh, coz I'm not even remotely close to perfect; I'm trying to be...but nobody's perfect.

This is why all I wanna do is advance in every way possible. And be the best person i can be. Why? Because I realize I will end up without a man in my life. That man I've been waiting for...he just doesn't exist. And it's hard for me to accept this fact.

I am writing this out of the frustration i've been feeling for a long time. It's only official when I put it in writing. So there...in all its glory...for the world to see.

And if I should be with someone sometime in the future...I don't even know I it would be real love, or my eventual conformity into society's expectation of me. But you know that isn't me...

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WARNING: Long post!!!

Friendship for me has come a long way. From what I can say, when I was in high school...I felt indifferent towards this concept! I was the quiet one among "The Trio"...yes, they were great! We were always together, we had our good times and we clicked well...but I can't deny that there were times when I felt I didn't belong because they had such different ideals than me. Each couldn't stand NOT getting male attention. They were always going after the boys, and I was left in the lurch. They also didn't like it when boys gave me attention. Although I like boys, I was never boy-crazy...hell yeah I loved admiring and going ga-ga over guys...but I didn't push-away my food when boys came over to talk to me at the table. I didn't lie to my parents to go dating. I didn't do nonsense. And I still don't!

One thing that put me into cynical-mode for some time was this incident:

One of them got herself a boyfriend. She never; not even once, introduced us. I was her so-called 'best friend'...and she never even introduced us after I covered for her all those times...followed her to the phone booth to make those calls to Mr. BF...it's like she didn't acknowledge me at all. After being THAT naive, I realized (someone told me) that she was scared that he'd be attracted to me instead of her...F***!

What? Was she so insecure that she was afraid that I would steal him away or something? As a friend, did she NOT know me? I would never do that to a friend...or even a person for one thing. That's just not who I am! Nobody knows this coz I never told anyone, but I'm finally writing it down...recalling this incident, I feel hurt all over again. My mistake was that I just let it go, pretended I didn't know anything and acted like everything was fine. I can't believe this still affects me...damn!

The current ME would definitely go ape-shizz and go all confrontational towards her, believe me! If the years have thought me one thing; it would be to stand up for yourself and don't sit still and shut up when you feel like you're being wronged!

The final day we said goodbye, I knew in my heart that we would never be the same again...and I was right. The two decided to move in together and fought...because of insecurities...and oh, the main thing...GUYS! Friendship was over between the 2 girls...just like that. How sad...

I emancipated myself by working and exploring other areas...and at work, I've come to find out that I'm more than this "Trio"...I'm finally me! And guess what? I wasn't the quiet one...I realized that I was NEVER quiet, but they were too 'noisy' that my voice disappeared...LMAO!!!

I made great friends when I took my Form 6 (Pre-U) education...but the best was yet to come...

University...it scared the shit outta me!!! I spent my orientation week with my friend from my Form 6 class...and soon enough I made some friends of my own...what can I say? We just clicked! I wouldn't say it was easy, mind you...lol! We did have some confrontations in the beginning, but looking back...I always thank God for helping me find these girls. Guess I was always afraid that I'll be used again. :/

I realized the friends I've made in campus are so different from my supposed best friends in high school...why? Coz they're more like me...family-oriented, they don't judge you by how you seem on the outside...and they don't pressure you to be anyone other than yourself. They believe that beauty is something from within, and material doesn't make who you are. I can say with confidence that these people will be among my lifelong friends...and I'm the type who has been disappointed with those deemed 'besties' in the past. The final day with them I realized that we would be friends always, no matter what (totally different feeling than I had with my high-school buddies.)

Isn't it funny how life works? I'm now best friends with 2 of my primary school friends...my best friends in high school are now 'just friends'-friends, my Form 6 classmates are my good friends, my former-annoying jerk of a classmate is now my friend (and we talks about music and guitars...how weird is that???), and my university besties are my forever-friends...

Well, that's life for you...you meet people, and if you're lucky enough...you become friends. I am lucky to have sincere friends who tell it like it is, not lie or back-stab. I hope God blesses them with nothing but happiness, for though it may seem like I never say it enough...they put my faith back in friendships. Yeah, I was cynical at first...but they proved me wrong!

Therein lies my truth...I love you my dears! Please call me for your weddings, baby showers and such...till we meet, I'll be cherishing our moments in these photographs. :'D

Another truth...never underestimate the practicality of 'layers'. Confused? Ask me...LMAO!

Whew...glad to get that off my chest!

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No...it's not the Ministry of Agriculture and Forestry...MAF is an acronym for the coolest and sweetest bunch of peeps I know! LOL!

I'm shamelessly into Tokio Hotel...as you've already been told countless of times, heheh! Indeed, TH is my guilty pleasure!!! Many people think they're lame and stuff like that...my sister despises them, hahahah! But I really enjoy their music for the many reasons I've stated before!

So to think that they bought me TH's latest album for my birthday...it's just so...so...thoughtful! It's the thought that counts ok??? Even if you gave me some cheap mamak-stall lunch for my birthday, i'd still appreciate it...hahahaha! But of course this is waaaaay better! LMAO!

For my part, the moment Munik shoved a little bag onto my hands, I thought..."Awwww, thank you!"

Then I opened it...




...I was speechless for a few seconds, but I said a lot by my actions:

1. Shrieking like a 15 year-old stereotypical bimbotic high school chick
2. Jumping while wearing a kebaya (thank God nobody was around!)
3. Smiling from ear-to-ear; before that I was really in a bad mood

Then M says, "Sorry we couldn't get you any tickets..." Are you kidding? This thing you gave me says a lot ok?

To me, it says "We don't care how lame TH is, we bought it for you coz we know you love them!"

Thank you guys...you know I wanted to get the CD for so long, but never got to a chance to get it. The fact that YOU bought it makes it more valuable to meeee...why? 'Coz it's the sweetest thing!!! You bought it coz you know how much I love TH! That.is.the.sweetest.thing!!! Hahahaha...you girls have to sign it k!!!

Love ya!!!

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Right now, i am happy...thank you for this year! It has been wonderful (towards the end) mainly because i am fortunate enough to be with my family...it is the FIRST time the five of us are together...

I don't know why, but i feel like the next year will be just fine. I know i always get a hunch about certain things that may come true...or maybe wishes and thought manifesting into reality...but yeah, i think 2010 is going to be a good year.

I also feel like something good is going to happen to me...don't know why, but i do. Geez, i know it seems crazy, but i don't know why i feel this way. I think i've been reading too many books on self-growth and happiness...i'm finally seeing the silver lining in the things around me.

On another note...

A friend of mine never fails to make me feel like a fool...one minute, that person complains about the bane of having a dickwad for a partner...the next minute...back with the said jerk. I mean what the hell, right? Please don't go asking me shit if you're not gonna get it...it just pisses me off how you could let a person treat you like shit. Love is not blind...if you love yourself enough, it should open your eyes.

Ok, done with that moment of toxic negativity...yes, it is bloody toxic...and i shall leave it right now and never open up about this again. You wanna talk about stuff like this with me again, i'll give you a piece of my mind just like i did before...and you may or may not repeat the cycle. People can claim they love you...but if you don't start loving yourself...you may never see the truth.

Funny how i just feed you with oxymoronic themes, eh? Well, these are just my 2 cents worth...you don't have to agree. I'm just sayin'...

To a good year ahead...cheers! Salut! Toodlez, bitches!

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I don't know why i suddenly thought of posting about my parents...i mean, i haven't actually written that i love them so...i always have, but never actually written a post specially for them...well, maybe i have but forgotten about it, but i wanna write one NOW!

I don't actually know how my life would be without them, but i sure know that i am one of those lucky people who sometimes feel that they don't deserve such wonderful people as their parents...i mean, you could have all the riches in the world, and you can have parents who don't give a damn about you, right? Sometimes it overwhelms me how much i can't live without them, i almost cry when i imagine my life without them.

One thing good about me is that i never take them for granted...ever since! I'm so happy for that. Yeah, yeah sometimes they are a pain, but so am i, right? We are ALL humans, we are NOT perfect! But to me, no matter how many heroes i adore and respect...my number 1 will always be them both...Mom & Pops!

And that is why, i wanna be the best person i can be just so that i could justify all your sacrifices you made for me and my sisters. I don't even know why i'm feeling like i miss you guys, even though i'll see you tomorrow (i know, stupid right?) and i just talked to you...but i just know what you guys went through in each of your individual lives and your lives together...and as much as you fight about this and that, even if one day you might end up apart (God forbid...)-- I know you love your children to the brink of selflessness! I just hope all those selfless sacrifices would be worth it in the end.

I pray that BOTH my sisters and I would be able to achieve greatness and finally give you the riches you deserve! I'm glad i say "I love you" so i will never regret NOT saying it when it's too late...may God hear my prayers and bless you both...for I am ALREADY blessed. AMEN!

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Hahaha, reading about The Secret tells me that I have somehow acquired this special ability...I didn't know about this "secret" until a few hours ago, after stumbling on Oprah's website (accidentally...)

I have actually gained some material items by sheer will...examples:

• Got into a university = education that I can afford, without burdening my parents
• Won some stuff that I really really REALLY wanted - Sony mp3 Walkman, tickets to a concert, perfume for my mother...hope there's more to come!
• Really wanted a laptop...and got one (I'm not rich, so getting one for free...nice!)
• Really wanted something that would increase happiness within my family - my baby sister! C'mon, you gotta admit...a gap of 17-years between children is somewhat amazing!
• Things that seems sucky always make way for better things...it does!

Well, that being said...I should try to be more optimistic...and perhaps build on something bigger:

• I always wanted to do something significant in this world...something good, as a way to show gratitude for all the good things that come
• I also really want that feeling you get when you're in love...you know, the whole butterflies in your stomach thing...
• I want to travel...I couldn't say this enough! Please let this happen...I want to be a worldly person and experience different cultures
• I want to learn to swim...at least before I leave this world...being afraid of drowning prohibits this...a pity!
• I REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT TO BE ABLE TO STUDY WITHOUT FAILING. Case in point: the fact that i'm updating my blog, and not reading my notes is proof enough, isn't it!

This is how distraction manifests...

Any comments? Do tell...

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In all my life, i am the type that appreciates whatever 'chance' i get...and boy, if i had a nickel for every time i thanked God for the things i have; family, friends, things...i'll be set for life!

But one thing still creeps in my head...when will i be able to say that i have truly spent my life without fear, with pursuing what i really want? I'm afraid i can't, because the truth is...i don't know what i'm searching for.

Ever had that feeling? Sometimes, people just know what it is they are here for...they know that they are doing what they want...and i'm jealous of these people who just have the privilege to KNOW what they want...coz, boy...i sure don't!

I hate that i feel this way...i don't even know if i am what i wanna be.

Argghhh, why so emo?

And another thing...people keep asking me "Do you have a boyfriend yet?"

Why does society force the idea of 'having a bf is what you need...' into my freakin' head? I keep saying i haven't found the right guy yet...and they say, "You poor thing!"

I hate that! Why, why, why do i need sympathy? I don't have one...and that ain't a problem...so why do you think it is, huh?

I gotta tell ya, that JFK was one smart Mr. Prez...he said that "Conformity is the jailer of freedom", and that applies to me...to this subject...so please, don't feel sorry for me, or think that i'm playing for 'the other team'...having love in your life would be great, and i look forward to it...but why, oh why would i wanna be so desperate?

If it comes, it comes...but if it doesn't, so what?

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It's sorta my thing...I play this game mainly on this journal I call a blog...

Have you ever fallen in love? My answer is no...pitiful, you say? I don't know, although I must admit it is pretty lame that I haven't had the chance to experience the whole being in love thing, I would at least want to experience it once in my life...

I'm 21...by the way! It's still pretty ok, right?

I just try and try not to get jealous when friends of mine who have been single for long come around and tell me, "Hey, i'm in love with this guy/girl...and he/she loves me back!"

But still, I can't help feeling resentment when I see them holding hands and looking each other in the eye with so much love...I mean, when am I going to experience that? That's what songs are made of, movies..and art too!

Now, it wouldn't be fair at all if I didn't get a chance to fall head over heels before I die...it just goes to show that life does indeed play sick games with me...and people like me.

Meh, i'm pretty much bitter right now...at this rate, I'll be keeping cats by the time I hit 40...and so, life goes on...maybe i'll keep dogs instead! Yeah, dogs...

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Results of my exams are coming out soon...scared as hell! I know there were a couple of slacked subjects, due to my lecturer's error...but, what's done is done, and i'll be happy enough if i get higher than my previous score...

Somehow i don't know if that could happen...geez!

Movies at often times get me thinking about my own life...will it imitate art? In a sense it does; hardships, dusting yourself up when you're down, and stuff like that. Sometimes you live vicariously through the characters...same as when you're reading a good book.

I'm looking at my life, and sometimes i just wonder when my real life would begin. Where's love? Where's the snarly best friend who's the 'court-jester'? Where's the tormented soul that you reach out to, only to fall in love and then be happy together in your romance-laden world full of poems, sonnets, and gazing up at the sky full of stars together?

I would usually wake-up, say that the real world has nothing like that to offer and get on with my boring life, and take the next guy that walks through the door...BUT I CAN'T!

For some reason, i can't settle for anything less than what i dream of, as naive as that sounds. That is why i have never had a boyfriend. And when people tell me it's impossible to NOT have one, i just feel like punching them in the face!

Why? Coz...i'm NOT needy and clingy like most girls out there? Because i believe in romance and the works? Because i'm not ready? Because i'm not a bimbo like so many girls are portraying? Because i have a wider vocabulary than you?

Then there's the "Oh, maybe she's not into guys..."

Wrong again, buddy!

The whole idea men get when a girl does not seem to respond to their machismo is that they're lesbians...i don't even have to dignify this so-called theory men use to justify them being turned-down...



P.S. These rants were long overdue, accumulated throughout my years of single-hood...a response to my own demons, and observations toward the current trend of bimbo-wannabes portrayed by endless amounts of 'chicks' in heat. If you feel burned, well...FEEL THE BURN, BITCH!

P.P.S. This was brought to you by a 21 year old who has witheld her thought on this for a very very long time! She's looking, but probably not your way!

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I am so right! I wanted a Sony VAIO, but needed a laptop ASAP...and all I got was this old geezer named Dell Inspiron...geez, talk about your old-timers...I got one that trumps 'em all...

Then again, it ain't all that bad...I did get it for my part-time job...for free, mind you! So I guess it's fine...no, it's awesome! Though, I would have to rely on looking for plug points, coz the battery is sure as hell not working, lol!

I am thankful, though...I can always upgrade when i'm good and ready for my newest gadget...isn't it funny that I always get what I need for free? Like my MP3 player, laptop...I sometimes feel that i'm a walking disaster that needs all the lucky charms in the world, but then, my life would suddenly take a 180 and all these good things come hitting me with a bat!

Now what I need are the best test results, and a boyfriend, lol!

You know something? For a commitment-phobe like me, I would be willing to take a chance on a guy who has the nerves to tell me he likes me, or asks for my phone number (not gets his friend to do it!)...coz guys, which girl doesn't like a man who goes for what he wants...

Sure, girls are complex; we don't say what we want, we have mood swings, hate male-chauvinist pigs and shit like that...but isn't that what makes you love us? Our strengths, brains, personalities, flexibilities, etc...Isn't it?

Why talk about this all of a sudden? Well, because one can only be "the intimidating girl" for so long...a male friend told me that I probably have no boyfriend coz I scare men away...even he, at first seemed a little intimidated by me at first, when we forst met...yeah, been told that many times...

But I kinda feel that somebody is out there for me...I don't have to pretend to be someone i'm not just to impress him, coz he will love me for who i am...I strongly believe that he is out there...all I have to do is just stop trying to be like other girls; desperate for a partner, can't live without a guy...Bleaghhhh!!! Who the hell are they living for? I can't be like that...EVER!

I for one choose to live for me!!! So, when i'm good and ready, he'll be good and ready...and by the power of serendipity, we shall meet, fall in love, and have a blast!

Do you concur?

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That sums it up; Hell-week!!! It was and is: Hell! I expect this wek to be hell to! I've had a few problems with friends, but after a week of playing "cold war", we all sat together and had a heart-to-heart talk, confronted each other, purged our feelings, and made truce...now that that's done, there's another fuckin' problem that I need to settle!!!

Certain subjects have too many students, so we are all divided into sets. Well, my problem is, until recently, i've discovered (or my friend discovered!) that i've been going to the wrong fuckin' set!!! How in the world...well, let's just say, I'M AN IDIOT!!! I've been doing all the quizzes, and assignments in this set, so now, i'll have to come clean to the lecturer and hope that he transfers all my marks to the correct-set lecturer!

Oh, did I forget to mention that I'M A COMPLETE IDIOT???

Well, other than all this shit, some people have been asking me whether i'm a lesbian because i'm such a cynic about love, and don't wanna get married, and STILL, even at 20 have never had a boyfriend...Lemme just say something here; I'M SO NOT! I want to fall in love with a guy, but haven't met someone that fits my criteria, my huge list of standards, haven't met the one who makes me feel like i've butterflies in my stomach, haven't met the guy who i'm not afraid to say anything to, coz he gets me...never met a guy who "clicks" with me...etc!

So, I don't need to prove that i'm not, coz everyone who knows me knows i'm straight...so, meh...let 'em think so...who cares, right?

In other news...nothing else, other than i'm going broke...well, that's all, folks!

Toodlez, bitches!!!

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Is this it?

I came back home expecting a little more than "Hi!"... well, what can a girl do, right? I can't expect a grand welcoming party...Hahahaha!!! I wish my life were less dull, though! I'm going to buy stuff tomorrow...Lol, may I get some eye candy!

The journey home is real hectic, I tell ya...I have to take three different trains; interchanging at different stations. What else? Oh, yeah! My little sister has oficially remembered her crazy, big sister...she identified me by my wackiness and flair for acting like a fool...i'm the court jester of the house, I guess!

======================================================

WHINE ALERT!!!

Sigh, will there ever be someone for me? I think not! But you know something? I'm not gonna settle for less than I want...I couldn't...I can't!!! Some old timers tell me to lower my standards; AS IF!!! Besides, it's not like they're happily married! The identities of these old bags? I guess you'll never know...LOL!!!

Well, i'm on this journey called life, and I expect to go through the best life possible; I mean, what is life without falling in love, right? What is life without love? I wish I will have what my parents have---REAL love...I mean, you can tell they're STILL in love. Sometimes, I see my Mom holding my Dad's hand...my dad buys Mom flowers and stuff for their anniversary...it's so sweet! You don't go and have a baby after 20 years of marriage if you don't love each other after all these years, right?

Well, I KNOW what kind of life it can be without love--DULL!!! Of course I know this coz i've been single all my life!!! I'm not a desperate girl...I don't go knocking on doors to find Mr. Right, and I don't like it when my friends, cousins, aunts, uncles ask me when am I gonna have a boyfriend. It's just something I think about, for future use.

We all need to fall in love once in a while, right?

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First thing's first; sorry for not updating for so freakin' long...it's been hell thinking about this poor blog, rotting away...but, here I am now!!! I've been very sick during the last week, from headaches to fever, to headaches, to tummy aches, to many other aches...

FINALLY!!! The money has been credited...bought most of the stuff I needed, paid my fees, and gave a grand to help Mom pay the bills and shit like that. Now i'm left with only a few hundred bucks, and that, I suppose I have to give to my sis (and maybe Dad too)! Lol, nothing left for me...Never mind, as long as i've settled the fees, I guess i'm ok...

What did I do that took most of my time away from you, blog? Here goes...

I was finishing an assignment. A very difficult one, it was!!! Me and my group had to do a multi-level-analysis on the Bosnian conflict...LOL! Dudes, this was NO easy task...journals upon journals, books to books. We basically had to use up everything in our brains to connect the dots. I tell ya, at one point, we didn't sleep for two days and one night! But, you know, I had a great group, finished on time, presented our work, handed out the work papers and got a 50-50 remark from the prof. Not what I was looking for, but it works for now!

Now I have to finish this assignment on Malaysia's foreign policy from the era of the first prime minister to the latest...I'm doing it alone...but not before another group task of Islamic Spain! How nice this is...LOL! I love I.R.!!!

I miss my family. I didn't go back for two weeks because of all the work. I hope my baby sis didn't forget her eldest sister...

You know what? I'm thinking of not joining the foreign service. I think a person of my race will not have a chance of promotion in this country (I could be wrong, though!)...I would love to travel the world on behalf of my country, and become somebody respected worldwide, though...I would love that very much! But, maybe something else would come along. Though, it would break Mom's heart, coz she really hopes that her daughter would become an ambassador...Anyway, it's all just something i'll consider, it's not final.

I still haven't found a single guy that fits my "LIST"...you know, "the list"...the whole brains, looks, kindness, good sense of humor, caring, etc...you know...that one! I think there aren't guys like that in this world...i'm not perfect, but I wish that I could experience that feeling of someone being in love (cue to Bjork's It's Oh So Quiet...)! That would be fun!

I'm a little committment-phobic. When I like someone, and he likes me back...for some reason I back off! Geez, i'm such a freaky weirdo! My younger sister is now in a four-year relationship...She has put me to shame...I think my baby sis will find her husband before I ever get a boyfriend...I need to do an analysis on myself and write a thesis!!!

I have such a thing for books, I can never get enough...some of the librarians now know me by name, I think! I'm reading Deliverance now...not done with 1984 by Orwell...had to give back Animal Farm coz I had to borrow more important stuff for my assignments...i'll get back to reading that as soon as I can!

Song playing in my MP3 player: Claire De Lune by Debussy...okay, okay for a rock-chick, what's wrong with a little classical piano? I like to keep things eclectic, baby!

So far, so good (jinx!!!)...I hope all goes well for now...till then, Toodlez bitches!!!

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Indeed, the days DO pass quickly...just yesterday we found out mom was pregnant...just yesterday, I was that naive girl who thought I will always be the bubbly, cheerful gal, with a great life...just yesterday!

What I found out throughout the years is suffering, disappointments, sadness...they come with life, as a package deal. However, with the bad, comes the good, right? I sure hope so. It seems when i'm most confident at achieveing something, a huge pile of disappointments comes along. My grades, my social life, my attitude...and i'm just 20!

I want to be someone better...and I sure hope I can, coz i've experienced a lot for someone my age. Now, all I want to do is to go to college and excel at it, make 'em proud of me, help take care of my baby sibling, and then, maybe serendipitously, find someone who'll accompany me in my life's journey.

I've been all by myself, I just don't know how to be with anyone...but i'll try if the right man comes along. Maybe it's karma for turning down the guys who liked me...who knows? I'm sure i've hurt them, but you can't clap with one hand, right? They were nice guys, but I just wanted them to be friends, and they couldn't handle that.

At least I was up front about it...no games, no leading-ons. I'm happy about that! Just that maybe I wasn't ready, wasn't attracted...you can't force thing like these.

Sigh, maybe i'm being punished...but I STILL ain't gonna settle for what I don't want! I'll know it's right when I feel it...

Isn't that what love's supposed to be?

(I've somehow strayed from the title! Lol!)

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What's with me, that I can fall for half the cast of Heroes, Denny from Grey's Anatomy (RIP...I don't want you to die next week, but you sure will! Noooooooooo.........poor Izzie!) and a whole bunch of other fictional characters on TV and movies, but I can't feel anything for guys in real life?

TV has ruined men for me!

Why and how can I be fooled into thinking that men are as nice, and kind, and hot as they are in the 'idiot box'?

Man, my standards are so way up there! But fuck it, I love TV!!!

Let any men challenge the charming Denny Duquette, and i'll be all yours!

Why can't I like the guys who like me? I wish I could, but I can't...I just don't like them!

It's unfair, I know...you think I like doing this? You can't force someone to love you, jackass!

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So yesterday was my birthday...as usual, I was broke, so I couldn't do anything. Went out with my family to buy a camcorder. Got us a good one.

Dad bought me a cake from Secret Recipe, cheese-chocolate cake...yum!

Sang me the birthday song, even if I didn't want them to. Mom asked Dad to pray (God knows why, for some reason...) Dad thanked God for his wonderful family, two daughters...I almost cried, but then I tried to cover up by saying "OK, I thank God for the best parents in the world", in the most cheerful manner, I wished a wish (secret!) and blew the candles; 2 big ones.

Oh, God! I'm 20!!!

Went to bed feeling all warm and fuzzy, thanked God in a prayer, and I lay in deep slumber...

Thanks for the warmth I felt on my 20th birthday...even without all the glitter, the money, the things...I was happy to be where I was! I love my family and friends; many of my friends wished me at midnight, midmorning and midday...and at night too...thank you guys! Wish I had a party, but it's not exactly the right time, now is it? Next year, babes, next year! Let's celebrate our 21st year in Vegas...or Genting would also suffice! ;-)

Wish you could all see me giving y'all a shoutout, but...y'all don't know I have a blog now, do ya? (Except you, of course...nightfox!)

God bless!!!

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You should see my parents...they are so adorable! So in love, you wouldn't believe. One morning, I went into their room to take the laundry (yeah, I do the laundry...everybody's laundry!!!) and I saw them cuddling while sleeping. Isn't that cute? My parents, people!!!

And now i'm sitting here, wondering why i'm such a cynical, sarcastic bitch, when it comes to matters like romance, love...maybe love isn't for me? So far, I haven't even come close to anything like that, what more, the feeling of butterflies in your stomach, hearing trumpets (???) and shit like that.

My sister has this idea that i'll turn out as a bitter old woman, who's still a virgin...and i'll also be the neighborhood cat-lady! Hahahahaha...that's funny! But, do you know what's funnier? When your mom tells you that as well...

For someone who seems to be a love-cynic, I do talk about it a lot, don't I? Maybe it's because I want to be proven wrong. Maybe it's because of the constant pressure from my mom, sister, friends (some of them!), cousins, godfather. Why is everyone rooting for me? Why, why, why? It's kinda sweet, but still annoying!

All these questions that will never be answered!

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I thought I was no fan of the guys in American Idol this year...coz I know for sure, Melinda needs to be given the title, hands down!

BUT...

This week, I fell in love with Blake! He sang one of the sexiest songs ever made, and it made me love him...it was a song by The Zombies, called 'Time of the Season'. As usual, he did his beatboxing thing, but I wasn't disappointed...he didn't spoil the song...not at all!!! I always loved that song...appropriate for seduction, hehehe!

Mind you, I think he's a great performer (you should've seen his moves...), but not an awesome singer...but, i'm swooning, baby! Btw, Ryan was totally checking Blake out! Hahahaha!!!

Oh shit, just when I thought I wouldn't fall for any guys on this season of Idol...I go ahead and fall!

It happened with Bo, Chris...and now I present...

BLAKE LEWIS! (Sigh...)

Who's your daddy...Blake's my daddy!!! Wooot!!!

PS: Why the hell is Sanjaya still here?

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Where should I start? Well, I was hoping to score at least...AT LEAST 3.50 cgpa for my STPM, but noooo, what did I get? A fuckin' 3.00!!! Shit, just when I thought God would help me, this happens...Oh shit, dude!

In a state of panic, I receive my notification via sms...in a state of denial, I started crying! Just a few minutes ago, my dad told me to go get that straight As...my mom told me as long as I did the best that I could, there would be no worries.

After this, I ran to my parents, with tears in my eyes...which is not, I repeat NOT me! I NEVER cry! Well, this time, I did...I just didn't want to disappoint them! This was supposed to get me at least a scholarship...but now, I guess I have to get into a private college. Damn, the money I'm gonna need...my parents can't afford that! Especially with a baby on the way...well, at least I don't have to pay for pre-U courses!

My mom and dad are the best parents any girl could ever have. They told me it's not the end of the world...They, my parents support me! I thought the grades I would obtain could be their reward...after all the sacrifices made for me and my sister. I love them so much!

My teacher told me, maybe it is a blessing in disguise? I thought I would get into a public uni, get into the foreign service and become a diplomat...maybe this is God's way of telling me it's better to go for communications/journalism?

I've always loved writing, and I love it more than political science and international & strategic studies, honestly...but the reasons I want to work in the Gov sector is because, in the Foreign Service (Wisma Putra), I get to continue my studies, up to a PhD, free of charge...plus, I always wanted to be the first Malaysian woman ambassador to the UN, travel the world, meet foreign dignitaries, or even become one myself! Big dreams, I must say!

If I were to get into communications, there would be big opportunities in the corporate sector--magazines, media, PR, etc...but would I be writing the things I like? Of course not!

Now, I am truly at a crossroads...confused! Just when I thought there would be one straight road! Now; here lies a detour!

God, help me! Only time will tell what will happen, what road I would eventually choose!

If I get into a uni-college, I might as well invest on it, right? 64k is a lot of money! But one thing's for sure...I will NOT ask my parents for a dime...This, I must strive on my own! This is my battle...So, God, if you're out there...please guide me towards the right choice! The road taken, should be the one where i'm the happiest!

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