Sunday, October 30, 2005

Mom's the Word...

Sunday, October 30, 2005

There it is, my ma's turn to piss me off...Now that i'm at peace with my dad, mom goes and open her mouth to say stuff i hate. She thinks i'm a lesbian just because i don't have a boyfriend...C'mon ma, i'm 18, not a 60 year old spinster.

If you want me to just find some random guy who i have no interest for, by all means, i could...I know what i deserve, and i deserve someone who i'm attracted to...Not just a guy who's attracted to me and that's it (means he likes me, but i don't like him!)...C'mon, it should be mutual, damnit!!!

Although my younger sister beat me at having a boyfriend, that doesn't mean i have no interest in guys at all, of course i do...It's just that i haven't found what i'm lookin' for...

I hope somehow you'd understand...but i guess you'll never know...

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Holiday Season Coming to a Theater Near You!

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Well, as i said, it's the start of the holiday season... I really wanted to get a p/time job. I know mom and dad don't have a lot of money right now, so i really hoped to get a job during the term break...

As usual, my dad forbids me...AFTER they hire me...Luckily, i decline before the HR lady gets the chance to get pissed. I hate him for that...He expects the bosses to let me work when i want to, how i want to...arrrrghhhhh!!!

All i wanted was to buy nice stuff for me and my sister, so that mom and dad won't have to scrimp on their expenses...since it was xmas season on the agenda and all...Sometimes he can be so selfish! He doesn't want me to work coz he's afraid...Afraid that i'll be coming home late...By takin' the bus...I'm freakin 18 for goodness sake! Why won't he let me be independent and take a stupid bus? He's so paranoid, and i don't wanna be like that!

I wish mom was here...She would've given dad her two cent's worth...Ma, please be back soon...I wouldn't be so sad and angry if he had told me this before i freakin' went for that freakin' interview!!! The lady from the HR department liked me...Oh, God, please let this anger subside...

Oh, Father Christmas, if you do truly exist, i just want to be happy this year...Coz dad never fails to make me cry when i'm suppose to be at my happiest...

Monday, October 10, 2005


Monday, October 10, 2005

Hmm, mom's goin back 2 her homeland 4 a month...Shit, i'm gonna be stuck here with my dad & sis, what could happen??? Well, nothin' i guess, possibly WW3. I'm gonna miss my mom!!!

Wel, did my plan 4 finding a bf by me setting myself up with the reverse psychology mindset work? NO! I'm such a fucked-up girl, man...I noe he'l come wen i least expect it, but i always, wat a load of bullshit, huh?

I'm gonna need a p/time job, and i sure hope that bookstore job gets through, even 4 a month and a 1/2...Keepin' my fingers crossed...Need the $$$ coz i really need that ipod nano, altho', it mite bcome obsolete in like, i dunno, a month? Hmmm, technology...guess i'l have 2 get smtg else, IF i get the money from the job...coz, i'm sure it'l be a waste in a few months.

Anyway, thought of coloring my hair...Light brown? Red? White? hehe...we'l see, den i'l have 2 make it black again after the vacation!

Other than that, wat hv i gotta say, other than hope things'll work out...i hate my life bein like a yo-yo...It's nuts 2 have a life like that, but...c'est la vie!

Monday, October 03, 2005

Yo-yo (The Chronicles of Life)

Monday, October 03, 2005

It IS like a yo-yo, my life...It's as i said earlier, i suspect my life is as an undiagnosed patient having bipolar disease. I try to be the best i can be...but no one seems to care.

I wanna make my parents proud, but all they do is take care of my sister's feelings, and they have issues with each other.I have to practically talk non-stop just for them to pay attention to what i have to say. What can i do? Can anyone tell me? My sis is not that lonely, she has a best friend and a boyfriend who loves her and vice versa.

Who have i got? Only a couple of close friend and my family. That's all. No significant other. I do have high ambitions...

Everything that goes wrong in my house, and fingers start pointing at me. I'm a self-confessed black sheep of my family, and all i could do is blog to release the tension, loneliness and pain...And nobody knows who I really am!

Sunday, October 02, 2005

I'm Screwed!

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Huh! just as i thought thing were goin fine, my parents decide to have a fight. Sometimes i just wish i could disappear, you know?

Perhaps i jinxed my good luck or something...why do they always have to bring up the past? and it ALWAYS about money, and why the other isn't doin enough to help out.I'm out here on neutral territory, and i always thought that the both of them did their part in helping out.

I'm so pissed that they complain to ME(???), but fail to talk to each other...I say, go seek counselling, but each are too proud to seek help, coz they don't wanna change...If that isn't enough, my sis has no clue...Coz everyone is tellin' me, and me ONLY!

I'm screwed! just as i think my life would get better, disasters like these happen!

Friday, September 30, 2005


Friday, September 30, 2005

I think I might finally be at ease with myself, me being single and all...I guess it just took me some time to realize some things are just worth waiting for. I just want something REAL, not some movie line to make me feel "complete"...Maybe there's no such thing, i say!

Anyway, all I wanna do now is concentrate on achieving my ambitions and with that, make my parents proud! I hope to God that happens, coz at the rate I'm goin' through...Uuuhhh!

If this dream of mine comes true, it would be worth all the shit they (my parents) went through just to make me happy and motivated to be SOMEBODY...

Love you mom and dad. (They don't know about this blog, so i'm not worried...yet!)

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

A Recap on Today's Forecast...

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Boring old day...What can I say, oring-bay ay-day? Haha, too bad for those who can't speak pig latin...

Anyway, the days are not so happening, so there's pretty much nothin' goin' on...Still no boyfriend, no driving licence(yet!) , etc, etc...

So, what about my country, you say? Well, so far the crime rate is STILL pretty darn horrible & terrible, with murder victims still on the rise, petrol subsidies are now confirmed as nil, and the AP issue still hangin' with fingers pointing to one another...Geez, politics just won't stop, would they?

No matter what good they, the Gov does for us, we'll still find their faults...So why bother? We're a bunch 'o whiners, so just bear with us, will ya? Give us our moment of glory to shine in these predicaments and act the fool...Thanks, Big-G or shall I say MaS-G for our day in the sun!

Don't get me wrong, I love my Gov, it's just a natural thing to bite the hand that feeds you in my book...NOT!

P.S. Whining is my game, so if you've got a problem with that, buzz off!

Monday, September 26, 2005

Dear God...

Monday, September 26, 2005

Take it, I give it to you,
My life's worth, my Lord & my God!
I give it all to thee,
For You to set free,
Free onto this Earth,
To learn, be wise, and be whole...

For the love of her family,
She wills herself to be content,
Guarded, she has no-one to call her 'other',
Although it may seem that she needs not this 'other',
She very does so...

For her, no-one has the time,
And so she develops, quietly, slowly through all of her senses,
She listens to peoples' experiences and learn from them,
She does not seem lonely, she has friends,
But only ONE being knows her true-self,
And that is you,
God Almighty...

And, that is why I give it to you,
My soul to keep, my heart to hold,
Until you find the right person for me,
That You choose to give him this gift,
That is my heart...

(PS. This is just my mushy, 'artistic' side being published in this blog...My blog is meant to be satirical, but that doesn't seem to be the case now, is it? So, just deal with it, will ya?)

(PPS. I'm NOT an atheist! It may seem so before this, but i'm not...)

Sunday, September 25, 2005

I hate It!!!

Sunday, September 25, 2005

I've had it with people askin' me what race I am...Sayin' that I'm a Malaysian, (Oops, guess my cover's blown, but I don't care anymore!) shouldn't that be enough for people to get a clue and not be too preoccupied with what my race is? I mean, what the fuckin' hell is the point?

This is what I don't get, and one more thing, when I say i'm a Malaysian, they laugh out loud and say, "seriously, answer the question..."

What the hell? Who are you, really? Mr/Ms gotta-know-it-all? Get off my case and get on with your fuckin' life! It's ok if we know each other, and I understand you wanting to know, but if you're just some stranger, what the hell are you so curious about? It's none of your fuckin' business who or what I am!

This is what people think of you when you, a stranger, ask a person these types of question:
  • You seem like a freak
  • You seem like you have a fetish for the unconventional-raced people
  • You seem like you are havin' a bet with your friends on guesses what race the particular person is
  • You make yourself to be just plain annoyin' and weird
  • You seem to have no life, lookin' to strangers and askin' things about them, and many more...

So, the next time you wanna ask someone you don't know what race they are, just remember this...You're freakin' weird!!!

Heed my advice, and thou shall be free of all judgement!!!

Friday, September 23, 2005

High Highs & Low Lows...

Friday, September 23, 2005

I sometimes am afraid that i might have some sort of undiagnosed mental illness...When i'm happy, i'm extremely happy, and when i'm down/sad/angry, it's to the extreme, too!

Is it bipolar i'm havin'? Oh God, i hope not...I don't wanna be another nutcase in the world...I hope to God it's my imbalanced hormones...

I lash out at everyone nowadays, my mom and dad especially...Maybe i think of them as an outlet for my anger coz i've been theirs for all these years...Them not wanting to "hurt" my sister's feelings and all...Might I say, all this has made her even worse than before.

I hope they realize their mistake and stop doin this to me...For now, all i can do is confide in the music I listen to. It does soothe me a little...

No one really knows me, i guess. Just waiting to be released from this prison of depression. I cover it up with my sarcastic jokes and sense of humor...Guess it's a defense mechanism!

Have a flair for writing, my former teacher told me once...Maybe it could mount to something in the future...I hope!

I sure hope this will be over when my hormones become balanced, LOL!

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Dreaming Beautiful Dreams

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Lucid dreams,
What I wait for the whole day,
Flying high in the sky,
Transforming into an eagle gliding through a storm, that is my life...

Lucid dreams,
Guiding me to a deeper realm called fantasy,
I'm in my own world, where I am the queen,
I rule, but I am alone...

Lucid dreams,
By now, it's a contradiction,
No longer can I control it,
I'm falling, falling down and I can't stop,
No one cares, as I am alone in MY world...

Lucid dreams,
No more,
I am lost in an underworld, where I am nothing at all,
Am in a world of absolute loneliness...

Lucid dreams,
I am lifeless, my soul spirited away by the darkness,
As my lone self conquers the night,
I remember flying high in my glory,
And I wonder if there is anyone who would save me from this nightmare,
Which I thought was a lucid dream,
And, now, I am trapped...

I am waiting for you...
Save me from this hollow space,
Where this void grows every day,
Until the day you find me, I am a-broken...

Friday, September 16, 2005

Pray for Humanity

Friday, September 16, 2005

I know i've got issues, and I would often think about my situation, but I never seem to realize that people around me have problems deeper than mine...

I would sure hope that the people who are suffering will get through their great traumas and live their lives how they want to...I'm truly sorry for those who have lost their families to natural disasters, terminal illnesses, accidents, etc...

I hope humankind shows itself through prayer and kindness for all races...World peace will ultimately be achived-though it's tough to believe that, I believe God will not let us down, and he will save our souls...This doesn't mean it will happen anytime soon, but faith will make it come sooner.

Won't Somebody Find Me?

Friday, September 16, 2005

When are you gonna be here by my side?
When are we gonna spend special moments together?
When is my life gonna be filled with pure and brilliant love?
When are you gonna look into my eyes and say you're always gonna be here with me?
When will i be able to look forward to the times we're gonna spend together?
When will i be able to let my guard down?
When will someone other than God know how/who i really am?
When are you gonna know me?
When will we find love in one another?
When will you find me?

Only God knows, i'm lookin' forward to when we find each other someday, please don't let me down...coz i would like to think that it was worth all the wait...

Whoever you are, know that i'm waiting for you to find me...

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Some Stuff I Thought About

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Just some stuff i was thinkin' about...

Things I am thankful for:
  • my parents
  • my personality
  • my intelligence
  • music
  • Hollywood
  • my people skills
  • sushi & pasta-basically, all the food I like
  • the internet
  • great authors & their books
  • peace in my country
  • my capabilities
  • my privacy
  • my dog-may you RIP, my dear friend...
  • my ability to keep my feelings (not thoughts) inside
  • my ability to understand & appreciate peoples' diversities
  • my friends
  • my spontaneity
  • my sense of humor
  • my comeuppance from overweight child to normal-sized girl

Things i'm not thankful for:

  • my neurotic mindset
  • my being a control freak
  • my inability to shut my mouth when I have a thought
  • my inability to lose an argument
  • my lack of confidence
  • my mild body-dysmorphic disorder (BDD);not that bad like other girls, just a mild one!
  • my addiction to TV shows, movies & the internet
  • my inability to save money
  • my lack of self-control; food-wise, money-wise, tv-wise, etc...
  • my physical scars and ugly skin (frm being a formerly overweight child and having had a serious bout with the chicken pox; mine was brutal!)
  • my inability to trust the opposite sex, except my dad and close male friends (was molested twice by strangers; a motorcyclist & a mad man)
  • my laziness
  • my inability to accept that some guys may actually be attracted to me
  • my lack of communication with God (i will try after this!)

I bet there's a lot of stuff i've forgotten, but, at least i got some of my thoughts out...

Monday, September 12, 2005

Being 18 sucks!!!

Monday, September 12, 2005

Why am I whinning? 18 is supposed to be a GREAT age where you have relationships and go clubbing and hangout with friends...I really think some fucked-up pressure is getting to me. First, the need for me to pretend i'm happy in this family.

Ok, my so-called sister makes my dad think he's a useless father, and i hate her for it! She only talks to mom, and she's a recovering bullimic, who slashes herself when she's angry, sad, depressed, so she could numb the pain? I really don't know, coz she's just fine when she's with her boyfriend, and best friends...

The thing is, i'm the one who has to pretend everything is ok when she slashes her formerly-flawless hands...i have to put on a face and tell mom and dad that it's not their fault when she does that. No one dares to give her a scolding coz "she might go and hurt herself..."!

Why, God, why? Yet, after all this, my parents anger towards her comes to me...The only one who has ever made me cry is my sister.When my parents wanted to take her to a psychiatrist (secretly), they decided to give her another chance, coz she was 'recovering' and promised never to do it again...I really try to do all I can, but it's like i don't exist to her...That's why i feel i don't have a sister.Mind you, she'll go through hell for her friends, but she won't even go out for a family dinner, my parents' 19th anniversary...reluctant, she uses her cellphone the whole time during dinner...My parents have literally spoilt her...i don't know what happened to that sweet little girl! She's a pretty girl, not like me, and smart too! I guess i have always been the ugly duckling of the family who has a great and bubbly personality...Even when people say i'm pretty, i feel that i'm not coz i feel so small compared to her...literally & figuratively...She's 15 and taller than me!

I'll just have to go on blogging as a form of therapy for my 'ever-so-lovely' life, with no one i can truly talk to, courtesy of low-self esteem, distrust in many people, no matter how close they are to me, etc...

Boyfriends? None, coz i was molested twice by strangers, that even now when a guy wants to be more than friends, i push 'em away although they have done nothing to me! I have always been one of the guys, that being a girlfriend to someone would seem like i'm not independent...It's unfair to them to deal with a nut like me...I say i don't need a boyfriend, but i dunno...Do i?

I hope that i'll be ok with the help of the music i listen to...seriously...and everything will be over... and i will be happy with my life!

Friday, September 02, 2005

Goodbye Letter to a Former Best Friend

Friday, September 02, 2005

Friends forever! That's the deal we made...some go off to another college and you never take the effort to even call or sms! What the hell, man? What hurts the most is that you don't even reply my's not that hard...just an sms!

Maybe i was stupid for thinkin you were a true best friend, coz best friends don't talk bad about each other behind their backs....what a damn backstabber! And that wasn't even about me, that was about another best friend...What could you possibly be talkin about me to that other friend if you are talkin shit about her to me? And boy, are you one hell of a two-faced missy...always lying to your parents, friends and boyfriends...

I have principles, and one of 'em is not being friends with people who are too much of a backstabbing, major, i bid you goodbye, and farewell...i really hope that you realize that you are losing a person who was the greatest friend you could have ever had! But i know better, and even a teacher told me you talked her into not givin me an increased grade in school, coz that would mean getting a better position in class...You woulda hated that wouldn't you?

Well, i'm not a bitch, i'm a nice that's why people trust me and tell me when "certain friends" are bad-mouthing me...I know i deserve better than having a "friend" like you! I believe in karma, so watch your back, coz what goes around comes around!

So long, and may you change for the better before it's too late!

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

I dunno.........

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Music...It's a way of life! I dunno where i'd be without music. The songs of Led Zeppelin makes me feel like i'm on a high...Like i'm on pot or something, not like i'd know, but there is that feeling of the hippie-era whenever i listen to Led Zep, Uriah Heep, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix...Wow! They were the greatest, and they still are.

Don't get me wrong, i love today's music too, but there's something about the classic rock era that gets me in a trance.

Today's rock music, i kinda like...But i don't care what kind of rock it is, coz music is music, and nothing else...Some jerks would tell me mainstream rock is outdated, but it's all good, as long as they play good music...

Speaking of a few jerks, why do some people tend to be very condescending when it comes to some matters... Were they born rude and asshole-like, or do they have to go for some 6-month training school for jerky-asses? Hmmmm, i wonder...There could be a possibility...Coz, sometimes i just wish people would respect each other, regardless of each individuals' opinion on music, for instance! I mean, if i can't have an opinion for MY musical tastes, where does that leave me for other stuff? Geez, the people today! Gimme a break...So, you're a jerk...Get over it and get outta my freakin' face. God, this feels good! I've just released my anger towards this person by writing down my thoughts. Great, now i can get on with life knowing that douche-bags DO exist in this world!

OK, so some people are mean, but that doesn't change my opinion; THERE ARE MANY GOOD PEOPLE AROUND...THEY JUST NEED TO BE FOUND!

Thursday, June 23, 2005

i hate sexists and racists....

Thursday, June 23, 2005

i don't know why some people take themselves to be superior to others...or their race, in particular. a woman is sexually active, then she's a slut...i mean, what the hell is wrong with some people? have women not earned enough respect? how come guys can 'sow their wild oats', but women who do that are called whores? i'm an 18 year old, waiting to experience life to the fullest and have that first kiss(yup, haven't done that yet! am still a virgin, too!). guess all this talk about society's fucked-up whores and cheap sluts are getting the better of me. gosh, to think that the world has evolved to a super-powered, open-minded era is totally out of the question.

i remember some guy stating that a woman who wears skimpy, sexy clothes are wanting to be raped. that, to me is a load of bullshit! a woman who wears that sort of clothing is wearing it because it's her choice, damn it! i also hate the fact that a woman can't flirt coz if she does, then she's a bitch. have you ever heard of a man-slut? no, i guess...i think the term slut is only used for a woman coz society still need a woman to be locked indoors, cooking, cleaning and taking care of the kids, while the men are the sole breadwinner...geez, i think i'm talking about 50% of the male population who still thinks this way, because not all men are like that (i hope!).

some guys could be sweet, modern, feminists who respect women as their equal counterparts. now, these are the men that women want. however, there is still a long way to go before the statistics soar way up there! however, i'm just stating my point of view because there was a conversation with this guy which made me think that all men had his, sorry to the males that i've dissed because of one bad apple! i think he is a racist more thing, the statistics are totally made-up! phew, now i feel better!