Life's Sick Lil' Games...

I've been watching (500) Days of Summer over and over and over again. OMG, it's so utterly wonderful I find myself quoting the lines since i've watched it for the 1000th time.

The story is amazing, the songs...don't get me started. I have the soundtrack and it pretty much sums up every scene of the movie. The fun parts the sad parts, etc...

I now understand one thing, though...I might have to accept the fact that i would never ever find that guy i've always hoped for. The first reason is...he doesn't exist. Second, I am so over it. All i've been doing was living an idealistic dream of finding Mr. Right. Nevermind waiting forever..as long as you never settle for less than you deserve.

I blame Hollywood. I blame love songs. I blame my high standards. I blame my "don't settle" attitude. I blame myself.

And yet...I still can't seem to accept just any man in my life. Maybe because they are not "him" -- you know...that guy! That guy i've been building in my head. He's totally perfect, and because of this, I can't accept anybody who isn't "him". I'm not just another girl who is boy-crazy and will accept any guys who fancies her (like a few girls I know). I know I keep talking about hot guys and shit like that...but that is just me being that playful me that I am. It takes a lot to impress me. I know it's harsh, coz I'm not even remotely close to perfect; I'm trying to be...but nobody's perfect.

This is why all I wanna do is advance in every way possible. And be the best person i can be. Why? Because I realize I will end up without a man in my life. That man I've been waiting for...he just doesn't exist. And it's hard for me to accept this fact.

I am writing this out of the frustration i've been feeling for a long time. It's only official when I put it in writing. So there...in all its glory...for the world to see.

And if I should be with someone sometime in the future...I don't even know I it would be real love, or my eventual conformity into society's expectation of me. But you know that isn't me...

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It has been more than four months since i've been working where I was posted. I sort of felt lucky that I got good people for colleagues, brilliant bosses who are supportive, highly generous with their knowledge. Some of the others are having a hard time adapting. One friend has not been so lucky.

She sort of broke down to me on the phone. I was out doing my outlet evaluation and all that crap and I just got this call. It was her, crying...no talking, just silent sobs. Imagine the shock that was going through me, coz I've never seen her cry. Complain, yes (understandable)...but to cry over work? Something's gotta be wrong. Turns out she's not the only one...another friend lost 5 kgs in just a week, I got another shock once I saw him...whatever it is, I just had to travel back to HQ coz I didn't wanna feel like a useless friend...I mean someone reaching out, you've gotta do what you gotta do, right?

I was just pondering about this...I don't have things so good, either. I'm driving almost EVERYWHERE in the Klang valley, using MY own car, filling it with petrol almost every 1.5 days, driving back to the HQ if I finish early (coz I can't seem to go home before 5.30...it's like a sickness!)...and I am not entitled for claims...I don't even wanna count how much I'm spending on travelling coz it will only serve to make me angry, anxious and worried.

At this rate, I finish my salary by the time I get the next month's salary credited. So I'm not saving and/or investing the way I planned. Hopefully my boss approves all my claims for traveling, since he chose me for this!

Another issue...the GM scolded my boss (poor boss!) for sending me out to do evaluations...says it's too operational and routine. I was thinking this to myself... I don't learn anything, and I can't grow within this company if I don't learn. Therefore, he asked my boss to put me back in the planning and management team...yet again!

See? Another issue here...I got into a dept. undergoing consolidation. From Sales, consolidating happened with After-sales...put together under Marketing. And it's cross-functional. So by the time this 5-month stint with traveling is over, my KPI will change yet again! I sort of feel like a ping-pong ball now...and this is happening in my small, pixie-like department (I say pixie coz the dept is small...)

Hence, I'm a guinea pig...with no permanent KPI like the other MTs who are having a "bad time coping". I am not complaining though...I know shit happens, but it teaches you lessons like nothing else could. If I could compliment myself...I would say that I am easily-adaptable, judging from all the adapting I've done my whole life. I think I can do this...perhaps prove myself to be a gem.

I just pray for my friends who can't handle the stress...1st, you gotta pray. 2nd, come hangout with me and let me entertain you with lame jokes and nasty one-liners.

Btw, I am thankful for it all...aim high!!!

Au revoir, beeshays!

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