Life's Sick Lil' Games...

I'm serious when I say I don't know where i'm heading...by and by, I keep wondering where do I go...what will I do...will I ever be happy in my life?

Then I get in panic-mode.

I mean, do you even know that what you plan will happen? Sometimes, circumstances or detours can get you elsewhere, you know? I've heard of people planning their whole life, and getting to a totally different place...one they would've never expected!

I don't even know what to write about...i'm in a state of emoting, haha!

Exams are coming...Monday! And i've yet to read up on it. Wtf!

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Should I change? I mean from being a cynic to being a very shiny, happy person. I don't know...it seems that there are lots of happy peeps around me. Heck, I even joined this club (which shall not be named), and all the whille I was there, I kept thinking "OMG, this is a cult, isn't it?"

But it's not, actually...it was just filled with overly-enthusiastic people who did all they can to make everyone feel like a close-knit group...which I thought, "Man, isn't this rich!"

I got out.

What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I be one of those guys who can just sit back and enjoy stuff like this? I envy people who put their heart and soul into things. Instead, i'm one of those guys who keep sneering at the 'fun and games' they keep organizing.

Okay, okay...I wasn't the only one who thought what I thought...but I don't wanna keep being this way, coz in the end...life will be rather dull, won't it?

I talked about this to a friend the other day...asked me if i really wanted to change...I said no! So, there...go figure!

I think i'm a schizo...

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My favorite songs of all time...not all though (just some that I could think about at the top of my head). The first three of them are kinda dark, lyrically:

• IF YOU COULD ONLY SEE by Tonic

I love love love this band's album...Lemon Parade! It's great! And only recently, I found out that their song 'Mr. Golden Deal' was a sort of continuation of 'If You Could Only See'; the latter was written by lead singer Emerson Hart as a way of convincing his mom about the love he has found with his girlfriend...years later, after their marriage...she leaves him for another man. 'Mr. Golden Deal' is a song written to the man who got her in the end (WOW!!!)

• NEVER TOO LATE by Three Days Grace

I love this song. If you hear it at first, it would seem that it was written to a significant other. The second time I listened to it, I realized that it's not about that at all. The song is about suicide, perhaps he, the singer is convincing a suicidal friend that he/she can turn things around...that's it's never too late to change your life...even though the world wasn't what you expected in the beginning...it's a sad song, yet, at the same time it gives you a hint of optimism and hope.

• JUMPER by Third Eye Blind

Well, do not be put off by my seemingly dark choices of songs with suicidal undertones. This song is also about suicide. Unlike 'Never Too Late', 'the Jumper' does jump from the ledge...or so I've heard. This song was a supposed 'what I would've said to my friend (the jumper) if I was there' by the singer who lost a friend to suicide.

• HURT by NIN

I've talked about this song before...

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Yay, it's over...French speaking test is over! That was so anti-climactic, really...your tension, stress and anxiety builds, and builds, and builds...

My answer to the above question was (please disregard the bad spelling and/or grammar...i'm just a n00b) :



Me: Le week-end, je me promene dans le parc, je faire de la cuisine...je...je...je faire de la
natation...

Le professeur: Do you go out during lunch-time? (sorry, i dunno how to write his part in
French...hehe!)

Me: Non...parce que je...

Le professeur: Oh, yeah...you cook! Ok, ok! What else? Where do you swim, in a pool, in a lake? Any other sports?

Me: Oh, je faire de la natation a la piscine. Je faire du badminton avec ma soeur.

Le professeur: Do you wake up late on the weekends?

Me: Non, parce que j'ai une seour bebe...(in a 'so you know how it is' kinda way...)

Le professeur: Do you sleep late?

Me: Oui...je me couche a deux heures...

Le professeur: Douze heures?

Me: Non...deux heures...

Le professeur: Douze heures?

Me: DEUX HEURES!!!

Le Professeur: Douze??? Minuit???

Me: Oui... (I give up!!! I meant 2 in the morning actually! Deux heures du matin!!!)



And the saga continues...a little better than the previous dialogue, heheh!

Then, when the time is gone...you're like: Was that it?

So yeah, it's over...now what?

Hahaha, such...is the way of life! No matter what, everything will pass. In no time, you look back to discover that it wasn't so bad as you thought it was (at that particular time). Maybe you'll even sit and laugh about it. That is my outlook on unfortunate events. I think that sorta takes me to a better mindset, place and it soothes my mind, body and soul (wow...deep!)

At this very moment, i'm reminiscing about all the times I felt disappointed, all the times I felt depressed, lonely, lazy, happy, sad, angered...and all I can do is laugh about it!

Funny, isn't it? This life...

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4 out of 7 assignments done...no more presentations! Hurray!!! What's left, you ask...1 French quiz, followed by French listening exam & French oral test. The 3 unfinished assignments are;

• Methodology in International Relations
• Foreign Policy Theories
• French II

I must say...never thought i'd finish...but if I don't, i'll be pretty much dead, won't I? Hahaha...

I'd usually be home during the weekends, but this time, I opted to stay because:

(a) I have a 6-hour replacement class on Sunday (6 freakin hours, dude!!! 6 HOURS!!!)

(b) Attempting to do my assignments at home is like trying to fit a Titanic ship into your

mouth...it could NOT be done! (external factors: TV, being a clown for a 1-year old,

etc...)

(c) Wanna cram at least 1/10 of my lessons into my brain!

(d) Revise for French test on Monday & Tuesday

Could this happen? Perhaps...I WILL NOT GET OUT OF THIS ROOM for unnecessary things...But now, i'm downloading shit...awww hot damn!!! Can you blame me? I need a break, but can't! I can hereby testify that...

My plan fell apart!!! (Cue to Moby's 'Extreme Ways', 2nd ed...)

How predictable.

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caught the flu from my baby sis during the weekend...then on Monday, the flu just wouldn't budge...waited till Tuesday to go to the clinic. Just your average appointment. Then, the doc asked, "Do you have any allergies?"...i said no.

BIG MISTAKE!

What i should've done was to inform him that i had a family history of allergies to certain types of meds...my grandpa was allergic to Tylenol, my mom to Aspirin...and i have the same blood group as them. And so, the humor begins...

Being a sucker for misfortune, i opted to take the antibiotic at once, so in case i have an allergic reaction, i'm right here at the clinic, right? Pop in the pill...and hey, i'm ok! So i get on to my other class.

A few hours later, i'm still alright...

A few hours after that, my face feels tight, and hot...saw my neck was puffy...then, i saw my face area was kinda big...was it possible to have an allergic reaction to something around 7 hours later? So i thought the rash was due to heat from the broken fever...possible, right?

At night, I saw that my face was still puffy...then concluded that it's probably an allergy to that damn Bacampicillin...i am therefore allergic to Penicillin, the accidental drug! WTF!!! I HAVE ANGIOEDEMA!!!

Immediately took a Piriton to ease the itch, and took Bena Expectorant, my cough medicine (thinking it would have the same effect as Benadryl...does it?), coz that's the only thing i have. I am in my dorm...there's no luxury of going and buying OTC meds here.

The next morning, the swelling extended to my eyelid, but it wasn't swollen-shut or anything serious. Friends thought i had gone fat during the holidays...thing is, if I did, everything else would be fat EXCEPT my face...i'm more of a get-fat-in-your-thighs-and-tummy kind of girl.
So there...got teased by friends, and now i'm swearing of that damn Penicillin, maybe Aspirin and Tylenol too...

Lucky for me, i didn't suffer any chronic reaction...one time, my mom's air passage closed-up after taking a certain prescription...that was a horror!

For now, there's still some puffiness on my cheek area...hope it'll go away a.s.a.p.!

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In all my life, i am the type that appreciates whatever 'chance' i get...and boy, if i had a nickel for every time i thanked God for the things i have; family, friends, things...i'll be set for life!

But one thing still creeps in my head...when will i be able to say that i have truly spent my life without fear, with pursuing what i really want? I'm afraid i can't, because the truth is...i don't know what i'm searching for.

Ever had that feeling? Sometimes, people just know what it is they are here for...they know that they are doing what they want...and i'm jealous of these people who just have the privilege to KNOW what they want...coz, boy...i sure don't!

I hate that i feel this way...i don't even know if i am what i wanna be.

Argghhh, why so emo?

And another thing...people keep asking me "Do you have a boyfriend yet?"

Why does society force the idea of 'having a bf is what you need...' into my freakin' head? I keep saying i haven't found the right guy yet...and they say, "You poor thing!"

I hate that! Why, why, why do i need sympathy? I don't have one...and that ain't a problem...so why do you think it is, huh?

I gotta tell ya, that JFK was one smart Mr. Prez...he said that "Conformity is the jailer of freedom", and that applies to me...to this subject...so please, don't feel sorry for me, or think that i'm playing for 'the other team'...having love in your life would be great, and i look forward to it...but why, oh why would i wanna be so desperate?

If it comes, it comes...but if it doesn't, so what?

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