Life's Sick Lil' Games...

I'm serious when I say I don't know where i'm heading...by and by, I keep wondering where do I go...what will I do...will I ever be happy in my life?

Then I get in panic-mode.

I mean, do you even know that what you plan will happen? Sometimes, circumstances or detours can get you elsewhere, you know? I've heard of people planning their whole life, and getting to a totally different place...one they would've never expected!

I don't even know what to write about...i'm in a state of emoting, haha!

Exams are coming...Monday! And i've yet to read up on it. Wtf!

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Should I change? I mean from being a cynic to being a very shiny, happy person. I don't know...it seems that there are lots of happy peeps around me. Heck, I even joined this club (which shall not be named), and all the whille I was there, I kept thinking "OMG, this is a cult, isn't it?"

But it's not, actually...it was just filled with overly-enthusiastic people who did all they can to make everyone feel like a close-knit group...which I thought, "Man, isn't this rich!"

I got out.

What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I be one of those guys who can just sit back and enjoy stuff like this? I envy people who put their heart and soul into things. Instead, i'm one of those guys who keep sneering at the 'fun and games' they keep organizing.

Okay, okay...I wasn't the only one who thought what I thought...but I don't wanna keep being this way, coz in the end...life will be rather dull, won't it?

I talked about this to a friend the other day...asked me if i really wanted to change...I said no! So, there...go figure!

I think i'm a schizo...

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My favorite songs of all time...not all though (just some that I could think about at the top of my head). The first three of them are kinda dark, lyrically:

• IF YOU COULD ONLY SEE by Tonic

I love love love this band's album...Lemon Parade! It's great! And only recently, I found out that their song 'Mr. Golden Deal' was a sort of continuation of 'If You Could Only See'; the latter was written by lead singer Emerson Hart as a way of convincing his mom about the love he has found with his girlfriend...years later, after their marriage...she leaves him for another man. 'Mr. Golden Deal' is a song written to the man who got her in the end (WOW!!!)

• NEVER TOO LATE by Three Days Grace

I love this song. If you hear it at first, it would seem that it was written to a significant other. The second time I listened to it, I realized that it's not about that at all. The song is about suicide, perhaps he, the singer is convincing a suicidal friend that he/she can turn things around...that's it's never too late to change your life...even though the world wasn't what you expected in the beginning...it's a sad song, yet, at the same time it gives you a hint of optimism and hope.

• JUMPER by Third Eye Blind

Well, do not be put off by my seemingly dark choices of songs with suicidal undertones. This song is also about suicide. Unlike 'Never Too Late', 'the Jumper' does jump from the ledge...or so I've heard. This song was a supposed 'what I would've said to my friend (the jumper) if I was there' by the singer who lost a friend to suicide.

• HURT by NIN

I've talked about this song before...

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Yay, it's over...French speaking test is over! That was so anti-climactic, really...your tension, stress and anxiety builds, and builds, and builds...

My answer to the above question was (please disregard the bad spelling and/or grammar...i'm just a n00b) :



Me: Le week-end, je me promene dans le parc, je faire de la cuisine...je...je...je faire de la
natation...

Le professeur: Do you go out during lunch-time? (sorry, i dunno how to write his part in
French...hehe!)

Me: Non...parce que je...

Le professeur: Oh, yeah...you cook! Ok, ok! What else? Where do you swim, in a pool, in a lake? Any other sports?

Me: Oh, je faire de la natation a la piscine. Je faire du badminton avec ma soeur.

Le professeur: Do you wake up late on the weekends?

Me: Non, parce que j'ai une seour bebe...(in a 'so you know how it is' kinda way...)

Le professeur: Do you sleep late?

Me: Oui...je me couche a deux heures...

Le professeur: Douze heures?

Me: Non...deux heures...

Le professeur: Douze heures?

Me: DEUX HEURES!!!

Le Professeur: Douze??? Minuit???

Me: Oui... (I give up!!! I meant 2 in the morning actually! Deux heures du matin!!!)



And the saga continues...a little better than the previous dialogue, heheh!

Then, when the time is gone...you're like: Was that it?

So yeah, it's over...now what?

Hahaha, such...is the way of life! No matter what, everything will pass. In no time, you look back to discover that it wasn't so bad as you thought it was (at that particular time). Maybe you'll even sit and laugh about it. That is my outlook on unfortunate events. I think that sorta takes me to a better mindset, place and it soothes my mind, body and soul (wow...deep!)

At this very moment, i'm reminiscing about all the times I felt disappointed, all the times I felt depressed, lonely, lazy, happy, sad, angered...and all I can do is laugh about it!

Funny, isn't it? This life...

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4 out of 7 assignments done...no more presentations! Hurray!!! What's left, you ask...1 French quiz, followed by French listening exam & French oral test. The 3 unfinished assignments are;

• Methodology in International Relations
• Foreign Policy Theories
• French II

I must say...never thought i'd finish...but if I don't, i'll be pretty much dead, won't I? Hahaha...

I'd usually be home during the weekends, but this time, I opted to stay because:

(a) I have a 6-hour replacement class on Sunday (6 freakin hours, dude!!! 6 HOURS!!!)

(b) Attempting to do my assignments at home is like trying to fit a Titanic ship into your

mouth...it could NOT be done! (external factors: TV, being a clown for a 1-year old,

etc...)

(c) Wanna cram at least 1/10 of my lessons into my brain!

(d) Revise for French test on Monday & Tuesday

Could this happen? Perhaps...I WILL NOT GET OUT OF THIS ROOM for unnecessary things...But now, i'm downloading shit...awww hot damn!!! Can you blame me? I need a break, but can't! I can hereby testify that...

My plan fell apart!!! (Cue to Moby's 'Extreme Ways', 2nd ed...)

How predictable.

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caught the flu from my baby sis during the weekend...then on Monday, the flu just wouldn't budge...waited till Tuesday to go to the clinic. Just your average appointment. Then, the doc asked, "Do you have any allergies?"...i said no.

BIG MISTAKE!

What i should've done was to inform him that i had a family history of allergies to certain types of meds...my grandpa was allergic to Tylenol, my mom to Aspirin...and i have the same blood group as them. And so, the humor begins...

Being a sucker for misfortune, i opted to take the antibiotic at once, so in case i have an allergic reaction, i'm right here at the clinic, right? Pop in the pill...and hey, i'm ok! So i get on to my other class.

A few hours later, i'm still alright...

A few hours after that, my face feels tight, and hot...saw my neck was puffy...then, i saw my face area was kinda big...was it possible to have an allergic reaction to something around 7 hours later? So i thought the rash was due to heat from the broken fever...possible, right?

At night, I saw that my face was still puffy...then concluded that it's probably an allergy to that damn Bacampicillin...i am therefore allergic to Penicillin, the accidental drug! WTF!!! I HAVE ANGIOEDEMA!!!

Immediately took a Piriton to ease the itch, and took Bena Expectorant, my cough medicine (thinking it would have the same effect as Benadryl...does it?), coz that's the only thing i have. I am in my dorm...there's no luxury of going and buying OTC meds here.

The next morning, the swelling extended to my eyelid, but it wasn't swollen-shut or anything serious. Friends thought i had gone fat during the holidays...thing is, if I did, everything else would be fat EXCEPT my face...i'm more of a get-fat-in-your-thighs-and-tummy kind of girl.
So there...got teased by friends, and now i'm swearing of that damn Penicillin, maybe Aspirin and Tylenol too...

Lucky for me, i didn't suffer any chronic reaction...one time, my mom's air passage closed-up after taking a certain prescription...that was a horror!

For now, there's still some puffiness on my cheek area...hope it'll go away a.s.a.p.!

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In all my life, i am the type that appreciates whatever 'chance' i get...and boy, if i had a nickel for every time i thanked God for the things i have; family, friends, things...i'll be set for life!

But one thing still creeps in my head...when will i be able to say that i have truly spent my life without fear, with pursuing what i really want? I'm afraid i can't, because the truth is...i don't know what i'm searching for.

Ever had that feeling? Sometimes, people just know what it is they are here for...they know that they are doing what they want...and i'm jealous of these people who just have the privilege to KNOW what they want...coz, boy...i sure don't!

I hate that i feel this way...i don't even know if i am what i wanna be.

Argghhh, why so emo?

And another thing...people keep asking me "Do you have a boyfriend yet?"

Why does society force the idea of 'having a bf is what you need...' into my freakin' head? I keep saying i haven't found the right guy yet...and they say, "You poor thing!"

I hate that! Why, why, why do i need sympathy? I don't have one...and that ain't a problem...so why do you think it is, huh?

I gotta tell ya, that JFK was one smart Mr. Prez...he said that "Conformity is the jailer of freedom", and that applies to me...to this subject...so please, don't feel sorry for me, or think that i'm playing for 'the other team'...having love in your life would be great, and i look forward to it...but why, oh why would i wanna be so desperate?

If it comes, it comes...but if it doesn't, so what?

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You know, when you're alone...then you start thinking about your future, and what it may bring...well, I thought that my future was set, that I was going for the 'diplomatic corps' route...BUT...boy, am i wrong!

Firstly, I don't freakin' know how I got this way. Now all I can say is that i'm so freakin' confused as to what i'm gonna do with my future...Be a writer? Journalist? Anchorwoman (haha!)? TV personality (double haha!)?

OMG! I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO WITH MY LIFE!!!

Why is this happening? I know this happens to everyone, but i have a few justifications; they are mostly based on principles...

As you know, Malaysia is up for a very cloudy phase...political stability is definitely OUT! They (some of them...) keep forgeting the reason they were elected in the first place---to serve the people! I wouldn't want to join something which I don't believe in anymore...sad, but true!

I pray that my country's integrity will return to what it was; stable, peaceful, economically solid...cause it would be a pity to see decades of hard work go down the drain. Personal agendas are taking priority over social ills, poverty, education...insecurities taking over peaceful co-existence...racial bigotry being swept under the rug...corruption...innocent bystanders persecuted...I really don't understand it anymore.

Perhaps i'm sad because most of all...I believe we are better as one. Too bad some just do not see it the way we, most of the nation do...tant pis!

I would be better off in the dog eat dog world of the corporate world...at least in this world, you know the rules, the gains, the losses...what you see is what you get!

So...what am i waiting for? I would say, a sign...and not those 'subtle inner voices' Oprah keeps talking about...I mean a brick to my head kinda sign! An 'a-ha moment' wouldn't be too bad either...so, please please let me get it...AND SOON!

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I don't know how I got it...supposedly, people get it from e-mail attachments, but who the hell cares? It got into my system, it fucked up my files, toyed with my settings, and fucked-up my week!

THE WEEK WHERE I HAD OVERLAPPING ASSIGNMENTS!!!

"Wtf? Wtf? Wtf?"...that's what I kept asking myself all week...then my mom left for work in Sabah...for a month, no less! Could things get any worse?

Oh, it can...Murphy's Law at its best...

Next thing you know, the PC at home got ruined for God knows what reason!!!

I willed myself NOT to cry...and what I ended up doing was laughing my ass off...telling myself that 'that week' was the worst week ever...

I think one day, I will definitely look back at that week and laugh my ass off...AGAIN!

What did I do about Brontok-the-mo'fo'? I researched all I could bout it, and armed myself with the necessary tools...killers, anti-this, and anti-that...but what happened was, Brontok detects all the relevant words, then shuts down my computer, knowing that i'm "up to something"...it even altered my registry, disabled hidden files viewing and shit like that...my processor was at 100% usage, and it was heating up...

MAN, THIS WORM IS SMART...A FORMIDABLE ADVERSARY!!!

I thought, what could I do to disable it from running my task manager...and booted in safe mode...from there, it didn't quite control my computer, so i ran Brontok killer, and it deleted the very important Brontok files...then, I rebooted to the normal mode, ran it again (successfully!), deleted traces in the registry, deleted a few registry keys created by the fucker, and ran 'Hijack this!', downloaded Windows Defender (as recommended by W) and voila...kicked the fucker in the balls!!!

MUAHAHAHAHA!!!

I try and try NOT to be a geek...but I guess I am. Well, not a very good one, but a geek nevertheless! Well, at least that's what a few friends say, but hey...I ain't complainin'!

Did finish up the necessary assignments due...and now I'm in my room at campus...a week later. Tomorrow, I go home for 2 weeks...

On to the next challenge...fixing the PC at home...

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The project was over, the nightmare has gone...

A new task emerges, a new challenge arrives. I miss mom, even though I don't see her during the weekdays. It's just that I know she's not home, and that leaves a bitter feeling in my gut. Sorry for the emo post, but I can't help it!

Supposed to go home today, but there's another task to finish. Hopefully, tomorrow i'll be home to take care of my baby sis...kinda pity my other sis who's taking care of her, and of course, daddy. I'm so thankful that my family's the type that help each other, work together to attain the ultimate happiness.

God bless my family...

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I've been stressed for days, i don't even know where to begin. This whole freakin' week has been shitty! Shitty...SHITTY!!!

My friends and I had a hard time doing this project...and we finsihed, but alas...a bumbling biatch went and pointed our faults...okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

And i have another task going on...and another...and another...and another...arghhhh! When will it stop?

Now I find out my mom is going outstation...this freakin' Friday! She said she was going on Wednesday, and now...I won't get to see my Mommy in a month...maybe more!

I'M AFRAID I MISS HER ALREADY! :'(

The stress just keep gettin' better. Thank God for friends...and books...and family!

LOVE!

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This past week was hectic, I must say...but i'm bracing for the worst...haha, "We've only just begun..."

Busted my chops...and my laptop! Too much cmd prompts, that I probably deleted my system files by mistake...NTLDR Error!!! But it's all good. Thank God for my resourceful-ness! Fixed it, albeit with some minor obstacles...but it's all good now!

Did a presentation with my gang...went pretty well. Lecturer praised us for a job well done. Well, hell yeah! We did questionnaires, surveys, interviews, a pie chart...my friend did a really good job with the montage...other friends were well prepared...together as a team, we all excelled! YAY for the team!!!

What else? Oh...baby sis is all grown...15 months-old, and she's the queen of the house, playing all of us like a bunch of her worker bees! My dad, especially...he's her slave, really! How adorable! Lol!

Tomorrow, i'll be having French Quiz 1...hope it goes well...considering I didn't study shit! Arrrrrrggghhhhhh!!!

Je n'aime pas les questiones Francais!!! J'aime beaucoup le francais, mais je ne parle pas tres bien ce langue, parce que je ne prepare pas!!! C'est vrai!

Is that even correct? Sigh...only God can tell...hahahaha (nervously laughs!)

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I should start by saying Ma Sheba Ba...haha! I don't know what the fuck it means, but i'm loving the movie You Don't Mess With the Zohan...

It is classic Adam Sandler...goofball antics, dirty jokes, disgusting humor...which i sooooo love...i was literally ROFL when i saw it the first time...and the second, and third...all through the fifth! Brings back the memories of Happy Gilmore and his old comedies...and again...with his sick fixation on the older ladies...HAHAHAHAHA!!! Buttacheim!!!

All throughout, a lesson is learnt...we all want the same things...whatever race it may be. Only in Sandler's case, he plays on the stereotypes with much exaggeration. Man, I have a craving for Phantom's Muchentuchen...with a side of hummus! ROFL!!!

Went with some uber-old friends...my besties included! Went to a bar as the designated driver (teetotaller!!!) without telling parents. Drove all the way to Putrajaya to send another home...that was fun...driving a loooooooooooong road...without telling parents! Hahaha...what they don't know...

Missed curfew, scolded by parents for not calling and/or answering my phone...it WAS my fault, I admit! Maybe a certain W got into some parental lecture as well? Well, I certainly did! Hahahaha...21 year old, indeed!

Now, back to school...sigh!

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Can you believe how hot it is these days?

I'm now a crispy-brown fried chicken, and i'm not kidding! What is going on here? What with all the global warming, ice caps melting, we sure aren't doing enough...

I'm mostly freaking out due to my freakish ability to grow freckles with being exposed to the harsh lightings of the sun...even though i'm a naturally tanned person! Un-freaking-believable! I thought brown-skinned peeps don't get freckles, and now i've been proven wrong.

Pigmentations suck-balls! And i can't believe humans can be cooked/baked/roasted by just walking under the sun...with an umbrella...

Malaysia's hot and humid weather does nothing to make things better...went out with friends the other day. On the way back, we took the 6pm train back to uni...We were packed like a can of sardines, and then some!

With my own eyes, I saw humans being pressure-cooked and steaming, sweat dripping on one another, all sorts of B.O. you could imagine. I was there, wanting to die on the spot...has anyone ever heard of deodorant? WTF!!!

Then some guy standing behind me kept saying "Hi"...

The first time, i ignored him...for the second time, i ignored him...then, for the third time, i said "Yeah...hi." I did it out of courtesy.

He said, "I just wanted to say hi..."

My reply, "Well, now is not a good time to say hi!"

Ok, it was rude, but c'mon! You're standing behind me in a full train, in front of dozens of people, and you wanna say hi? Are you kidding? Plus, your B.O. and your persistence just annoyed the hell outta me! Could you be anymore inappropriate?

So, he just shut up...Good! Then, later, i would be made fun of by my friends...

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Yes it does! Really...thank God for friends who care. If I didn't have any, i would have been f***ed a long time ago. Just a few posts ago I said that my schedule no longer clashes, and yet here it is...

INDEED IT DOES CLASH...BIG TIME!

After explanations, explanations and more explanations, finally I get some peace. Friends backed me up, and now I am allowed to be tardy...which is rather uncommon! Hahaha...but still, this gives me a rather uneasy feeling in my stomach.

Yeah, sure I'm happy...but I feel a sense of guilt. Imagine, coming in 30 minutes late, when everyone have already done their job, talked about a topic, etc. Everyone else will stare...Damn!

So there it is, not even a day gone by, and i'm already f***erized by the system.

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Oh boy do I dread it...

So, I email my professor my topic (after thinking about it for the longest time!)...been thinking about doing something in the lines of the US, but mom came up with an amazing idea. She told me one problem with bilateral ties is the dreaded US-Malaysia FTA, which is STILL in talks (for the 9th time)...and then BAM!!!

Why not do a paper on its implications on the Malaysian economy? Emailed the proposed topic to the professor...got a nod from her...

NOW I'M SCARED!

Yes, there are many many many papers and journal on FTAs, but to do a paper on economic implications is beyond me...OMG, what have I gotten myself into...tomorrow, she will know me...who I am, for she will announce it in class...then everyone will look at me...some may even say "F***...she's doomed!"

I must say, I have been f***erized! By none other than me! I would be laughing out loud, rolling on the floor, giving me a diabolical belly laugh if I were someone else, but, alas...it's me! Oh shizz!

And here I am at 1 am, dreading it...tomorrow is what it is; i'm to wake up at 6am to commute back to campus, into my hostel...and straight to French class...

Oh yeah, tutorials start this week too...Bummer...Shizz squared...

Sorry for the lame curses...other than f***erized, i've nothing that tops that.

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Today was a frustrating day...it was as if the cosmos does not want me using the internet...but, i digress...

My friends and i spent the whole freakin' day looking for a location to use wifi on our computers. My battery sucks-balls, so i had to look for a hub with a plug point. We booked a special room just adjacent to the library...it had a cool lighting system with air-conditioning...BUT...there's always a but (of course!), the plug point didn't work!

To make matters worse, the connection was pretty bad. We were literally nomads, searching for the most "fertile land", aka place with a great signal...I guess in the end, there was just too many peeps using the wifi. SUCKS!!!

Now, i've finally found a place to call "home"...HAHA! I'm at the lab, and here, i use the computer given, where i am downloading codecs that i need to watch a video of a particular format...

It seems NIN has released free songs for fans...i'm so there!

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I dreamt of having some scones with tea and crumpets...all because of a friend's funny remarks of an old English lady...the so-called jam i spread on top of it was blue...does that mean anything? Hahaha, just a scrambling of data collected throughout the day, made into a movie in my head!

I also keep dreaming that Ryan Seacrest is the devil...isn't that hilarious and creepy? Why, of all people, should I dream of the "hardest working man in Hollywood"? HILARIOUS!

Tomorrow, i'm going back to uni...getting prepared for a hectic week. And tutorials haven't yet started. However, some friends and I are preparing to go see another blockbuster...Hellboy II!!! I rather enjoyed the first one, and I hear Guillermo Del Toro's visionary monsters are 'imported' or rather, quite similar to those in his previous hit, Pan's Labyrinth (which I didn't get to see...).

The Dark Knight...watched it yesterday with my best buds...I realy loved it. You know, i'm the type that believes in all the hype, but i must admit, this piece was awesome. From the storyline, to the characters, to the cinematography, even to the title...simply great! At first, I thought everyone wanted to give Ledger a posthumous Oscar just coz he's passed, but now I see that he deserves it! What a loss...so young, so talented...he was great in "that gay cowboy movie"...and what an ending with Joker.

Bought a couple of staples; 2 hoodies!!! And a formal, frumpy yet professional-looking blouse-shirt. Friends say it said "pro!" on me, but when I got home, mom said it makes me look old. And I'm there like, "WTF? Who am I supposed to believe now?" Meh...

I must say, for all that happened this week, I don't feel very much enthusiastic. I don't understand why. I keep feeling bored, yet, I feel like I don't wanna do anything but lie in bed and do nothing. Am I becoming what I hate most? Apathetic, with no zest for life? Please don't let that happen to me...

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The hectic schedule which i'm about to receive calls for perseverence, patience, a firm hand, and...patience.

IT IS GONNA BE DAMN FUCKIN' HARD!!!

First of all, my application to up my credit intake for this term was approved...the problem is, fitting the said subject into my already tight schedule. Am i gonna be able to do this?

I hope to God that i can...

Second thing is, as i'm sitting here typing this shit, i feel so blurred-out from the world, that I don't know what am i even here for.

I'm sort of liking my current room better than my last (HORIBBLE!!!)...just coz of the view, the floor, the lack of a roommate...and yet, my friends are next door. So, i sorta get the best of both worlds; when i'm bored, i go next door...and when i wanna be alone, i just have to go back to my room.

Watched Braveheart yesterday...but it didn't finish...i mean, it stopped at the climax. You know, when Wallace was leading the Scotsmen to war. It just stopped while they were slitting and bashing those English heads...man! I feel so cheated!

I heard Mel Gibson's in Malaysia again...lol! I remember just after "the incident", Wikipedia called him Mel "Sugar Tits" Gibson.

I think he'll fit well in Malaysia because of our policy on ******...so to finish this good-for-nothing post, i say;

"SELAMAT DATANG KE MALAYSIA, ENCIK GIBSON..."

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Yes, yes, yes! I'm going back to varsity life after 2 freakin' months of slacking on the couch, babysitting my 13 month old sister, cleaning, cooking...

I DON'T WANNA GO...................

But I have to...oh, dang it!!!

Have to start eating ramen noodles, buying greased up fuckin' junk food, can't see my adorable sister except weekends...will miss family all over again! Oh, geez...I hate it...hate it, hate it, hate...FOR NOW!

And guess what, stupid PTPTN did not bank in the loan instalment...i literally go back empty handed, with no new clothes, nothing to say, "I'm all fresh from the holidays"...what a drag!

For the record, I use majority of the money for necessities, till the end of the semester...and the sum given is a pittance...after paying the tuition fee, i'm left such a small amount, that I almost live like a hermit...note the Ramen/junk food line above...but at least i'll be losing the holiday weight...LOL!

Also, have to start running in the morning to boost metabolism, then tone-up so that i won't huff and puff while running around for lectures.

Must start reading more books on stuff i like...also, i must be thrifty from now on...no more buying stuff for baby and mom and dad...sorry, i just have to for my own sake. I HATE BEING A CHEAPSKATE!!! But, what can I do, i have no dough to be buying stuff...thank God i don't have a credit card...

Saw 'Get Smart' with my best bud yesterday...was great...totally love Carell...he has played every character with such a consistency (of a men so stiff, he makes the mopstick look limp!), that it amazes me...ever seen Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy? Yeah, Steve's a stiff character with a cuckoo complex...hahahaha!!! Love him, really!

What I would love to see next is 'You Don't Mess with the Zohan'...another Apatow movie...well, he sorta shot Carell to movie fame with '40-year Old Virgin', right? Plus, the trailer looked good..who could resist Adam Sandler with that hair? Hahaha...

Okay, I hope and pray that the rooms are now equipped with WiFi or some sorta internet hub, as the main peeps of the dorm promised...

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