Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Baking Cookies this Christmas...Who, Me?

Tuesday, December 19, 2006


Yeah, unbelievable..But, i have to try. I will do it well, coz i follow instructions well, verbatim! So, this xmas, my grandma's pineapple tarts will be one of the main focus...What else, you say? I'm thinking chocolate macaroons, shortbread cookies, choc chip cookies...that's about it.


Mom will bake the choc and butter cakes...and flan...or rather, Leché Flan!!! Lol...Having some sort of xmas lunch for some friends, and looking forward to meeting my darling classmates. Miss them a lot, as we haven't chatted in weeks!


So, there...A day's useless rambling of a mad woman! Hope the cookies don't get burnt, crumbled, get too hard, tasteless, etc...Gawd, what the hell am i doing? Please let this work!!!


I love xmas time!

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Friday, December 15, 2006

Wishing and Waiting

Friday, December 15, 2006

Here i am again...Waiting for something special to jump into my life! The previous post was that of an angry, bitter, mad teen! That being said, i can no longer use this excuse the next time i have an outburst...

How can this be? I'm 19, happy, free, single...but every time someone finds out i'm single, they go "Awww, you poor thing, don't worry...you'll find someone!"...Are you freaking kidding me? Wtf??? I'm happy, so shut up!

I would love to have someone to love and care for, despite not having any experience...But if i do not find a guy who is good enough, what's wrong with that? I'd rather wait than settle for someone i do not click with!

So, Santa dear, please give me the strength to face the idiots who keep giving me their fucked-up two-cents worth...ME - a perfectly flawed, smart, driven young girl, who doesn't need a man to complete her, but to complement her. Having said that, could you also find me the right guy before the new year approaches? Lol! Yeah, that would be a blast!

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Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Fucked-up Shit!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006




Aaaarghhh...Why is it when things go well, it ends up slapping you in the face? Yeah, things are looking up now...Then, all of a sudden, it's trampled on like rotten tomatoes!!! OK, here's the deal, my hols started in its full gear, so now what? Everyone's doing something, going somewhere...So, what's left? Me. Alone. Doing nothing, achieving nothing...Zip! Nada! I'm like a lone star in the night, like a lonely canyon of the desert, like the only leaf on a tree...I'm all alone!

I hate it when there's lack of productivity in my life...Oh, by the way, had a fuckin' fight with my sister...Again! It's not like we don't ever fight, it's just that she keeps quarelling with her damn boyfriend every single day, every single night...About things as petty as not calling...Oh, you get the idea! It just pisses me off! Ok, i don't have a boyfriend, and i so hate people 'pitying' me just 'coz i don't have one. If this is what a relationship is - this fighting-every-day thing, i might as well resort to spinsterhood for the rest of my freakin' life!

So, what else is there? Well, the fact that i must be responsible for practically everybody's mistakes makes me wanna puke. Everytime my dad gets back from work, he scans the house...My mom and my sis? They leave their unwashed cups and saucers on the table...and what happens? Dad scolds me for letting the house get messy, while giving me a lecture on being neat and tidy...Wtf??? Well, don't let me get started on that subject...There's more, mind you...Most of 'em is what the eldest child of a family experiences. I'm practically the maid of the house - minus the wages!

I can't wait for xmas...Meanwhile, i'm broke as hell...Lent some money to my sister...Yeah, the very same day she said she couldn't care less about me...I'm used to all this shit, but it hurts me everytime, not because of me, but because of my parents...Her behavior is a reflection on the way my parents raised us, "the children"...And when she screams and shouts at me or anyone else, it seems like they didn't bring her up well. What the hell could i do? Advise her? Huh, she'll just keep calling me a bitch, and say i'm such a grandma and she couldn't care less about what i have to say...

Blatant disrespect is what i get! They say you have to give respect to gain it...Well, i'm living proof that this cliché is total bullshit! A daughter so loved by her family would do practically anything for her boyfriend, and yet, couldn't even have a family outing without some sort of bribe...That's being the perfect daughter for you! And me? I'm stuck here in my room, doing nothing productive, bitchin' and ravin' like a lunatic on meth, wishing for a savior, wishing her parents would appreciate her, wishing that her sister respects her, and wishing her friends could be free so that they could take her out for a day of fun, but alas...That is asking for the moon!

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Monday, December 04, 2006

Just One...

Monday, December 04, 2006

Just one more day of insanity up ahead 'til I get over all the f***in' shizz that is Form 6! I feel sad, but free in a way...Today was the last day of exams for some of my friends. I must say, a few of them welled-up and i felt like that too, seein' that it's gonna be the last time i see them!

No matter how we say we will keep in touch, deep down i know that it's easier said than done...Friends i have come to know all go away in the end, and all you're left with are the memories and laughs that we have, or had, rather...

Well, this just goes to show that we don't call 'em clichés for nothing, right? Friends do come and go...it's the journey we take through life that we find the most weird and interesting bunch of friends...I'm so happy with all my friends now, i woudn't trade 'em for anyone else...Each is unique...My library of friends are filled with all sorts of head cases, LOL! God bless us all!

I'm now listening to my most favorite song, by my most favorite band..."Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin. It's a great song...hypnotizes me from beginning to the end...It sounds like i'm in a different era...you know, of psychedelic highs (brought-on by too much of pot!) and hippies...Love Robert Plant's banshee-like screech...Cool!

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Wednesday, November 22, 2006

The Story Today

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

What's up, you say? Well, so far, i'm in day-3 of my major examination...So far, i must say honestly...I sucked big time on this one paper...but i did pretty well on another...and the third? Average...That's NOT what I wanted! I have to buck up! I've been praying a lot, and i hope God hears me.

Other than sucky exams, my mom and dad came back from the O.B. yesterday...the baby is doing good, all the major limbs have formed...Oh my God! I'm so excited. After what my mom and dad have been through the last time, i hope that this baby comes out healthy. Oh shit, the baby will be born around a month right after my 20th birthday! Geez, that sounds kinda freaky, lol! I'll be one of the oldest sisters in the world...but i'm cool with that now. Now i wouldn't worry 'bout mom and dad having empty-nest syndrome after me and my sis go on through adulthood.

I listened to "Hurt" by NIN after a long time, and i missed it. I used to love that song. It's so raw and heart-wrenching...if you'd ever felt what Trent Reznor was trying to say. Well, i'm gonna listen to it again.

I'll be posting more soon. Hopefully a better, more interesting post. I know...I'm dull!

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Monday, November 20, 2006

First Day of My War...

Monday, November 20, 2006

Goodbye to my first book of General Studies, for i will not see you for a very long time...it was nice knowing you, for i have learnt so much from thy worthy feed...Had fun, and i'll be seeing you soon! Toodles!

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Thursday, November 16, 2006

Lost in Denial

Thursday, November 16, 2006


Oh, gosh! I'm totally in freak-out mode right now...not only am i not studying, I'm also just staring into space, while my books stare back at me...aarrrgggh!!! This photo of "The Scream" is exactly how i feel...

My major public exam is this Monday, and I'm not proud to say that I'm soooo not ready! Wtf? What am i going to do? I seem like I'm calm (that's what my parents are telling me), but inside, this shit is killing me, eating me up inside. I'm praying for a clear mind, and i hope i could rise to the occasion with God's help.


Other than that, i am also planning my life post examinations...WHAT??? I've not even completed day one, and here i am planning ahead! Well, there's ME for you! I'm so screwed up, that i commit the worst foul, ever...I'm commiting a cliché! You know, the one where you don't count your chicks before they hatch...I, hate clichés, but here i am contradicting my own belief system...


I feel like throwing up when i think of my exams...why can't i be calm? I need some soothing, calming mantras...perhaps the Hail Mary on the rosary? Sigh...I can't wait for this shizz to be over. God, my patron saints, and angels help me!


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Tuesday, November 14, 2006

When I Looked at A Shooting Star

Tuesday, November 14, 2006


As a young girl of 12-years, i saw the dark, morning sky as i was waiting for my school bus...and boy, did i love looking at the stars! I saw one, twinkling brightly...it was the biggest star i've ever seen...and i said, "Will you be my shooting star, one that i could wish upon?" and you know what happened? It shot across the morning sky...now, i really thought i'd imagined it...but then, my wish came true.

Now, as a 19-year old, i firmly believe in wishing upon a shooting star...how i wish i could find one again!

I really love looking at the stars and the hues of the sky...i'm truly at awe at this! Whenever i look at the sky during sunset/sunrise, my faith in God increases...'coz a godless world couldn't have created such beauty for us to behold. C'mon, how could mere probabilities and 'Big Bang' theories put the beauty of this heavenly painting to justice?

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Monday, November 13, 2006

Okay...

Monday, November 13, 2006

Okay, so the job i was supposed to get is paying minimum wage, i don't know if i should take it...should i? I always jinx myself...wasn't i just saying that life couldn't be better? Then, this happens. Well, if i look at the bright side, i don't have to look for another job...but, as i'm a self-confessed pessimist, i'd rather look for 10 other available jobs that could at least pay wages that fit the job i'm about to partake...

Well, i do have about a month to think about it...

Other than that, i'm still doing my revisions, and i'm doin okay...JUST okay.I'm praying like there's no tomorrow for good results, and asking for intecessions from all my patron saints (uhuh, really...it worked before...really!)

As much as i love planning my future, sometimes weird thing happen, so i'm trying my best to plan and be flexible at the same time...however, i do want my dream to become a reality, i want to become an AMBASSADOR for my country...please, please come true!

As i have not gone into tertiary ed just yet, i can't say that cirumstances won't change things...i've seen this happen tons of times...So, may everything fall into place!

Peace out!

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Sunday, November 12, 2006

I'm Back...

Sunday, November 12, 2006

After a long year, life is getting a little better...Mom's pregnant right now, we're all so happy. Just think, in April/May, a little bundle of joy will be here to bring us luck.

I'm still single, but getting ready for the wild world as i'm gonna go through one of the toughest examinations in the world. Have almost a week to go, then after 3-weeks, i'm home free! The wild world awaits...

In January, i start a part-time job as an assistant at a production company...but only for a few months, then i start university...Whoah, it seems all so surreal...From last year, whch i must say was a shitty year, i now am a lot happier, have additional great friends and memories i'll cherish throughout my life.

I hope things will just keep getting better, it's time it started...If there is anyone reading this stuff, just know that life has its ups and downs, but, just keep going and have faith...I have always been cynical, and i doubt i'll ever change, but sometimes when you let things go and be at peace with the world, something funny happens; you see LIFE as it IS!

Well, i'll be posting soon, i pray all goes well! Good luck to me...and wait! Christmas is coming...haha!

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Sunday, October 30, 2005

Mom's the Word...

Sunday, October 30, 2005

There it is, my ma's turn to piss me off...Now that i'm at peace with my dad, mom goes and open her mouth to say stuff i hate. She thinks i'm a lesbian just because i don't have a boyfriend...C'mon ma, i'm 18, not a 60 year old spinster.

If you want me to just find some random guy who i have no interest for, by all means, i could...I know what i deserve, and i deserve someone who i'm attracted to...Not just a guy who's attracted to me and that's it (means he likes me, but i don't like him!)...C'mon, it should be mutual, damnit!!!

Although my younger sister beat me at having a boyfriend, that doesn't mean i have no interest in guys at all, of course i do...It's just that i haven't found what i'm lookin' for...

I hope somehow you'd understand...but i guess you'll never know...

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Thursday, October 27, 2005

Holiday Season Coming to a Theater Near You!

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Well, as i said, it's the start of the holiday season... I really wanted to get a p/time job. I know mom and dad don't have a lot of money right now, so i really hoped to get a job during the term break...

As usual, my dad forbids me...AFTER they hire me...Luckily, i decline before the HR lady gets the chance to get pissed. I hate him for that...He expects the bosses to let me work when i want to, how i want to...arrrrghhhhh!!!

All i wanted was to buy nice stuff for me and my sister, so that mom and dad won't have to scrimp on their expenses...since it was xmas season on the agenda and all...Sometimes he can be so selfish! He doesn't want me to work coz he's afraid...Afraid that i'll be coming home late...By takin' the bus...I'm freakin 18 for goodness sake! Why won't he let me be independent and take a stupid bus? He's so paranoid, and i don't wanna be like that!

I wish mom was here...She would've given dad her two cent's worth...Ma, please be back soon...I wouldn't be so sad and angry if he had told me this before i freakin' went for that freakin' interview!!! The lady from the HR department liked me...Oh, God, please let this anger subside...

Oh, Father Christmas, if you do truly exist, i just want to be happy this year...Coz dad never fails to make me cry when i'm suppose to be at my happiest...

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Monday, October 10, 2005

Naturally...

Monday, October 10, 2005

Hmm, mom's goin back 2 her homeland 4 a month...Shit, i'm gonna be stuck here with my dad & sis, what could happen??? Well, nothin' i guess, possibly WW3. I'm gonna miss my mom!!!

Wel, did my plan 4 finding a bf by me setting myself up with the reverse psychology mindset work? NO! I'm such a fucked-up girl, man...I noe he'l come wen i least expect it, but i always expect..lol, wat a load of bullshit, huh?

I'm gonna need a p/time job, and i sure hope that bookstore job gets through, even 4 a month and a 1/2...Keepin' my fingers crossed...Need the $$$ coz i really need that ipod nano, altho', it mite bcome obsolete in like, i dunno, a month? Hmmm, technology...guess i'l have 2 get smtg else, IF i get the money from the job...coz, i'm sure it'l be a waste in a few months.

Anyway, thought of coloring my hair...Light brown? Red? White? hehe...we'l see, den i'l have 2 make it black again after the vacation!

Other than that, wat hv i gotta say, other than hope things'll work out...i hate my life bein like a yo-yo...It's nuts 2 have a life like that, but...c'est la vie!

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Monday, October 03, 2005

Yo-yo (The Chronicles of Life)

Monday, October 03, 2005

It IS like a yo-yo, my life...It's as i said earlier, i suspect my life is as an undiagnosed patient having bipolar disease. I try to be the best i can be...but no one seems to care.

I wanna make my parents proud, but all they do is take care of my sister's feelings, and they have issues with each other.I have to practically talk non-stop just for them to pay attention to what i have to say. What can i do? Can anyone tell me? My sis is not that lonely, she has a best friend and a boyfriend who loves her and vice versa.

Who have i got? Only a couple of close friend and my family. That's all. No significant other. I do have high ambitions...

Everything that goes wrong in my house, and fingers start pointing at me. I'm a self-confessed black sheep of my family, and all i could do is blog to release the tension, loneliness and pain...And nobody knows who I really am!

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Sunday, October 02, 2005

I'm Screwed!

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Huh! just as i thought thing were goin fine, my parents decide to have a fight. Sometimes i just wish i could disappear, you know?

Perhaps i jinxed my good luck or something...why do they always have to bring up the past? and it ALWAYS about money, and why the other isn't doin enough to help out.I'm out here on neutral territory, and i always thought that the both of them did their part in helping out.

I'm so pissed that they complain to ME(???), but fail to talk to each other...I say, go seek counselling, but each are too proud to seek help, coz they don't wanna change...If that isn't enough, my sis has no clue...Coz everyone is tellin' me, and me ONLY!

I'm screwed! just as i think my life would get better, disasters like these happen!

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Friday, September 30, 2005

Great...

Friday, September 30, 2005

I think I might finally be at ease with myself, me being single and all...I guess it just took me some time to realize some things are just worth waiting for. I just want something REAL, not some movie line to make me feel "complete"...Maybe there's no such thing, i say!

Anyway, all I wanna do now is concentrate on achieving my ambitions and with that, make my parents proud! I hope to God that happens, coz at the rate I'm goin' through...Uuuhhh!

If this dream of mine comes true, it would be worth all the shit they (my parents) went through just to make me happy and motivated to be SOMEBODY...

Love you mom and dad. (They don't know about this blog, so i'm not worried...yet!)

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Tuesday, September 27, 2005

A Recap on Today's Forecast...

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Boring old day...What can I say, oring-bay ay-day? Haha, too bad for those who can't speak pig latin...

Anyway, the days are not so happening, so there's pretty much nothin' goin' on...Still no boyfriend, no driving licence(yet!) , etc, etc...

So, what about my country, you say? Well, so far the crime rate is STILL pretty darn horrible & terrible, with murder victims still on the rise, petrol subsidies are now confirmed as nil, and the AP issue still hangin' with fingers pointing to one another...Geez, politics just won't stop, would they?

No matter what good they, the Gov does for us, we'll still find their faults...So why bother? We're a bunch 'o whiners, so just bear with us, will ya? Give us our moment of glory to shine in these predicaments and act the fool...Thanks, Big-G or shall I say MaS-G for our day in the sun!

Don't get me wrong, I love my Gov, it's just a natural thing to bite the hand that feeds you in my book...NOT!



P.S. Whining is my game, so if you've got a problem with that, buzz off!

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Monday, September 26, 2005

Dear God...

Monday, September 26, 2005

Take it, I give it to you,
My life's worth, my Lord & my God!
I give it all to thee,
For You to set free,
Free onto this Earth,
To learn, be wise, and be whole...

For the love of her family,
She wills herself to be content,
Guarded, she has no-one to call her 'other',
Although it may seem that she needs not this 'other',
She very does so...

For her, no-one has the time,
And so she develops, quietly, slowly through all of her senses,
She listens to peoples' experiences and learn from them,
She does not seem lonely, she has friends,
But only ONE being knows her true-self,
And that is you,
God Almighty...

And, that is why I give it to you,
My soul to keep, my heart to hold,
Until you find the right person for me,
That You choose to give him this gift,
That is my heart...


(PS. This is just my mushy, 'artistic' side being published in this blog...My blog is meant to be satirical, but that doesn't seem to be the case now, is it? So, just deal with it, will ya?)

(PPS. I'm NOT an atheist! It may seem so before this, but i'm not...)

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Sunday, September 25, 2005

I hate It!!!

Sunday, September 25, 2005

I've had it with people askin' me what race I am...Sayin' that I'm a Malaysian, (Oops, guess my cover's blown, but I don't care anymore!) shouldn't that be enough for people to get a clue and not be too preoccupied with what my race is? I mean, what the fuckin' hell is the point?

This is what I don't get, and one more thing, when I say i'm a Malaysian, they laugh out loud and say, "seriously, answer the question..."

What the hell? Who are you, really? Mr/Ms gotta-know-it-all? Get off my case and get on with your fuckin' life! It's ok if we know each other, and I understand you wanting to know, but if you're just some stranger, what the hell are you so curious about? It's none of your fuckin' business who or what I am!

This is what people think of you when you, a stranger, ask a person these types of question:
  • You seem like a freak
  • You seem like you have a fetish for the unconventional-raced people
  • You seem like you are havin' a bet with your friends on guesses what race the particular person is
  • You make yourself to be just plain annoyin' and weird
  • You seem to have no life, lookin' to strangers and askin' things about them, and many more...

So, the next time you wanna ask someone you don't know what race they are, just remember this...You're freakin' weird!!!

Heed my advice, and thou shall be free of all judgement!!!

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Friday, September 23, 2005

High Highs & Low Lows...

Friday, September 23, 2005

I sometimes am afraid that i might have some sort of undiagnosed mental illness...When i'm happy, i'm extremely happy, and when i'm down/sad/angry, it's to the extreme, too!

Is it bipolar i'm havin'? Oh God, i hope not...I don't wanna be another nutcase in the world...I hope to God it's my imbalanced hormones...

I lash out at everyone nowadays, my mom and dad especially...Maybe i think of them as an outlet for my anger coz i've been theirs for all these years...Them not wanting to "hurt" my sister's feelings and all...Might I say, all this has made her even worse than before.

I hope they realize their mistake and stop doin this to me...For now, all i can do is confide in the music I listen to. It does soothe me a little...

No one really knows me, i guess. Just waiting to be released from this prison of depression. I cover it up with my sarcastic jokes and sense of humor...Guess it's a defense mechanism!

Have a flair for writing, my former teacher told me once...Maybe it could mount to something in the future...I hope!

I sure hope this will be over when my hormones become balanced, LOL!

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