Monday, April 23, 2007

It's Been Awhile...

Monday, April 23, 2007

...since my last post. Haven't been busy, just lounging around the house, watching tv, doing a huge-ass pile of laundry (my family's a well; they wear A LOT of clothes!)

My mom has come and gone for the aunt is going back to Colorado tomorrow...she'll be leaving me her dumbells. So, expect me with lovely toned arms and abs soon! Hahah!

Started exercising again...feels good, I don't know why I even stop sometimes. It gets me to release all my gloom, sadness, depressed feelings. It releases the good in me (i'm talkin' endorphins, yo!)

I'm depressed coz I haven't experienced what I should've at my age. I've nothing to remember ecept high school, temp jobs, friends. What else? Zilch! Where's me falling in love? Where's me attending my first concert? How about me gettin' into clubs and shit? Me sneakin' out of the house? I've always been the one who was not allowed to do these things...I guess resentment is how I feel feel more calm, something therapeutic i've done is write a letter. To move on, to be free, and to be the bubbly girl I once was. This letter does not reflect any negativity towards my parents, just some stuff that got me feeling a little, here goes! (Don't judge...)

To my parents:
Why do I have to be the good, "normal" child, the one that HAS to not care about being treated badly by everyone? Just because I didn't cut myself when I was depressed, doesn't mean I don't feel sad. Always, I have to hear the words "Just let her treat you that way, just let it be"...then i'd just HAVE TO shut the fuck up about everything! Even when i've been wronged! They don't care about my feelings when they keep telling me what a bad daughter I am when you channel your anger towards her onto me, coz hey, I don't cut myself, I don't suffer from bulimia...

Now, I guess all the anger throughout the years are coming out...out on you! I'm sorry, but I can't help it...I can't help being a shrew, a bitch, a disrespectful moron! I'm always arguing with everyone at home and lost the "respect your elders" bit. Just so you know, I feel guilt right after I raise my voice on you. Maybe coz the only way I feel that i'm being heard is if I shout it out?

You once asked me why I can't receive I answer you with this; I guess all those years of calling me this and that have made me a girl with low self-esteem, who covers it all up with a cheerful front. Inside, i'm all screwed up! I'll always be the fat ugly tomboy that I was in primary, there...there's your answer! Why don't I have a boyfriend? Coz subconsciously, I think I don't deserve anyone, coz, boy, no one could ever handle my shenanigans...

You're the best parents any daughter could have, and this is a mere outburst of what i've been feeling throughout the years when I was 'the good one'. Now...just accept that this is me now. However, I guess you'll never know how I really feel...All's well, I just needed to get this out.

Love you guys always.

Your daughter,

(I feel so much better now...though, it'll take sometime till i'm feeling great about myself!)