Monday, September 12, 2005

Being 18 sucks!!!

Monday, September 12, 2005

Why am I whinning? 18 is supposed to be a GREAT age where you have relationships and go clubbing and hangout with friends...I really think some fucked-up pressure is getting to me. First, the need for me to pretend i'm happy in this family.

Ok, my so-called sister makes my dad think he's a useless father, and i hate her for it! She only talks to mom, and she's a recovering bullimic, who slashes herself when she's angry, sad, depressed, so she could numb the pain? I really don't know, coz she's just fine when she's with her boyfriend, and best friends...

The thing is, i'm the one who has to pretend everything is ok when she slashes her formerly-flawless hands...i have to put on a face and tell mom and dad that it's not their fault when she does that. No one dares to give her a scolding coz "she might go and hurt herself..."!

Why, God, why? Yet, after all this, my parents anger towards her comes to me...The only one who has ever made me cry is my sister.When my parents wanted to take her to a psychiatrist (secretly), they decided to give her another chance, coz she was 'recovering' and promised never to do it again...I really try to do all I can, but it's like i don't exist to her...That's why i feel i don't have a sister.Mind you, she'll go through hell for her friends, but she won't even go out for a family dinner, my parents' 19th anniversary...reluctant, she uses her cellphone the whole time during dinner...My parents have literally spoilt her...i don't know what happened to that sweet little girl! She's a pretty girl, not like me, and smart too! I guess i have always been the ugly duckling of the family who has a great and bubbly personality...Even when people say i'm pretty, i feel that i'm not coz i feel so small compared to her...literally & figuratively...She's 15 and taller than me!

I'll just have to go on blogging as a form of therapy for my 'ever-so-lovely' life, with no one i can truly talk to, courtesy of low-self esteem, distrust in many people, no matter how close they are to me, etc...

Boyfriends? None, coz i was molested twice by strangers, that even now when a guy wants to be more than friends, i push 'em away although they have done nothing to me! I have always been one of the guys, that being a girlfriend to someone would seem like i'm not independent...It's unfair to them to deal with a nut like me...I say i don't need a boyfriend, but i dunno...Do i?

I hope that i'll be ok with the help of the music i listen to...seriously...and everything will be over... and i will be happy with my life!


Neo said...

hmmm..sorry bout ur past..seriously,u noe bout my empathy shyt!n yeah,u shud noe it's 1 of my weakness..dragging my ass in too deep with some1..but,4 me,wut i noe bout u,d more i m confortable with ya,even somtime u really a pain in d ass!!hahaha ..
ps : jst consider dis msg was sent in 2005..can r?? :P
well,y i didnt noe u back then,so then u would write 2 me..(im ur shrink,remmber??) chill~