Life's Sick Lil' Games...

OMG...

I can't believe i'm gonna be turning 23 this freakin' year! Okay, it's still a few months away, but I don't know why i'm freaking out all of a sudden!

Why does turning 23 seem so...i dunno...old?

I know, I know...ridiculous! But somehow, i think that 23 is decades older than 22...and i have NO idea why! Maybe it's something my sister told me..."Damn, you're 23 this year!!! You're 23!!! 23!!!" -_____-

Uggghhh...meanwhile, here's a short poem (doesn't seem poetic!) for me to vent, and for you to laugh at:

The pressure is building,
The wrinkles are forming,
Before I become anything,
I'm already hyperventilating!

I'm gonna be 23!!!
Oh, Father Time...what are you doing to me?
At this moment I am happy,
But I still can't help feeling like a looney...

First the questions...
Then the expectations...
Then your salutations;
From young girl, to young Ms...to 'old spinster with cats for her minions'...

Is this what happens when you reach my age?
That you feel so scared that you would need shrinkage?
That you wanna turn back time and hide back in your box...
That you took so long to get out of?

I guess this is what happens when you're me,
The weirdest gal there ever could be,
What the hell's wrong with me turning 23?
Am I not supposed to celebrate with glee?

Questions that only can be answered in time...for now, I can see faint crow's feet on the edge of my eyes...damn! I always picture myself growing old with grace...you know, grace that comes from years of wisdom, experiences and achievements!

When i'm able to, I shall travel...every year, by hook or by crook...to my list of places I've always wanted to visit and go see...sorta like a "100 places to go before I die" kinda list...Aurora Borealis in Alaska, Vegas, Paris, Italy, Germany, Amsterdam, Cambodia, Brazil, New Orleans, etc...aaaaah, may it be so!!!

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What is life?
It is not a wasted soul,
It is not a loveless spirit,
It is not without a freedom that lies within - wanting, seeking, cherishing...

What is life without love?
What is life without crying?
What is life without laughing?
What is life without a need to fly away?

And so I live my life,
Searching for its means,
Searching for its worth,
Searching for its balance...

I am still alone,
I am still hidden,
I am still lost,
I am still searching...

I seek something to call home,
I search for a kindred spirit,
I search for somebody without haste,
I seek the ultimate time to find it.

One question lies within;
Will I ever find it,
This thing that makes life a gift?
Only God knows - I am as complex as one shouldn't be!

And though I haven't reached full circle,
What I search, seek, and hope to find...
An 'end' to call home,
So I can say I lived my life without waste.

What is life?
It is a soul full of peace,
It is a soul full of love,
It is a soul full of questions - answered.

What is life?
It is not wasted soul,
It is not a loveless spirit,
It is not without a freedom that lies within.


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I took it from my old notebook...I wrote it during my first semester in my 'new' surroundings; at my university...

I realized that I still want the same things...although circumstances may change me, the core 'wants' are the same.

I dunno, just kinda feeling sad coz as much as I want to remain a 'kid', I HAVE to grow up and go into the real world and find my ground...maybe separate from my friends and family in the long run, and that just plain sucks!

I hope and pray that I don't get caught up in work that I become one of those people who forget friends and family...

You can bet your ass that i'm gonna cry on my graduation day! I'm already counting the days till I say goodbye to student life (and I haven't even finished my assingments and thesis!)

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I can't believe i found it...and reading them over and over again makes me marvel at my own outlook on the subject...sometimes i'm cynical, sometimes i'm hopeful and optimistic, and sometimes just vacant...

It's all relative, i guess! And it all depends on how you feel at THAT moment...external factors, internal conflicts, movies (in my case...a lot of movies, LOL!) play a part in shaping my thoughts of poem-writing.

I notice that I don't write 'em anymore; since i lost my notebook. Wow, talk about brand loyalty! Hahahahah...maybe I should now, since it's here! Woot!

First thing's first--> DO THE FCUKIN' THESIS!!!

:P

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Found out yesterday that my aunt died...my dad's eldest sister was the one who actually took care all of her younger siblings when their mom left! Despite their own mother leaving them, she took care of her younger brothers and sisters...my dad, the youngest boy in the family. Aat least...now i know this made him the man that he is today!

My dad found out and immediately went to Klang right away with my mom...and my poor sister is home alone with baby sis! I felt so guilty for not being able to go home at that moment!

After talking to mom and dad today, they said i didn't have to go home...all i had to do was pray for my aunt, that she attains peace and is blessed by God. Her early burial is because that she is a Muslim convert, hence...the immediate burial.

I would like to leave this post with another poem for comfort of those that were left behind...it's quite popular in funerals, as it is simply beautiful! It is by Mary Elizabeth Frye...and the first time i heard this poem...i had tears in my eyes! Here goes:

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am in a thousand winds that blow,

I am the softly falling snow.

I am the gentle showers of rain,

I am the fields of ripening grain.

I am in the morning hush,

I am in the graceful rush

Of beautiful birds in circling flight,

I am the starshine of the night.

I am in the flowers that bloom,

I am in a quiet room.

I am in the birds that sing,

I am in each lovely thing.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there. I do not die.

May God bless you...

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Today, i felt like writing about poems that i love...so here goes!

I totally forgot which movie or TV show this poem came from, but it stuck to my head immediately after hearing it...i seriously fell in love with it coz of course, everybody hopes for this...at least for once in your life! So then, after typing it in Google (what would life be without Google?) i got the title of Cummings' words...it's called "Somewhere I Have Never Travelled, Gladly Beyond":

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

So here ends the analyses of poems, both are two ends of a coin: An oxymoron. A paradox. An irony. That's what life is...that's how love is.

Wow, i surprise myself sometimes! I should do this stuff more often...

Toodlez, bitches!!!

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As I traveled my dreams,
I saw a little boy,
Crying near the brook,
There he sits, his body trembling.

I ask his name,
He answers, "Ben...", "Will you help me find my home?"
I take him,
Carrying him on my back, this 6-year old is light as a feather...

I climb a hill,
With Ben on my back,
Again he cries,
"I don't know where my home is"

I say don't worry,
He'll stay with me,
He'll be my family,
We'll find a house with everything we want.

He says, "No",
I ask why,
"I am every boy you knew and know..."
"You say you'll love me, but you won't".

My eyes start to blur...the little boy becomes
The very thing I try to get away from,
He is right, what have I done, what am I doing?
Only time will tell...

Now I realized how I was and am,
Trying to change now...I'm in a lucid mind,
In a make-believe reality,
I decide.

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