Life's Sick Lil' Games...

Yeah...I'm the master of freaking out, believe me (just ask my friends...they even gave me a name!)

But all of a sudden, it hit me...and it hit me hard...I have a few months till graduation, and I'm doing zilch! OMG, what the hell am I gonna do? Where am I gonna work? Time is running out, and I've yet to come out with a decision!!!

Fuck...

Ok, so I love writing, and I'd love to travel, I love talking to people, communicating...but yeah, knowing your abilities does NOT make you know your occupation, damnit! What I DO know is, sooner or later, I would like to open my own business. Yes I do not know what yet, but it's nice to be enterprising and really...this is kind of a big thing, but yeah...that's my long-term goal.

For now, I would need to find my calling. OMG...help me and everyone else who remains clueless at times like these...you see, my major is not really specific...it's good for any types of profession; journalism, law, economy, business, etc...what I wish for is for that 'A-ha moment'...that brick on the head...that *BOOM* because I really need to start helping out my family. It's about time I do my part...all I want to do is achieve my dreams while making them proud.

These past few years, I've been very blessed. Sometimes, I think I must've done something good in my previous life or something like that to be this lucky. Everyone does their part...and I just wanna fulfill mine and take care of everyone.

So what I really want is to love my job...to be waking up every morning and looking forward to go to work...that's what I want!!!

Amen...

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Ever had recurring dreams...or that of similar images flashing through your mind every now and then?

Well, I have them!!! Those images...those places...those feelings of familiarity. It's as if "THERE" is where I'm supposed to be.

...and yet, I've never seen it (that place) and never seen him...which is what I'm actually waiting for. I've never actually seen this person's face, coz it's always blurry...but I've certainly seen him in a few of my dreams. If I'm not mistaken, I've written about him in a few posts too. It's kinda spooky, but in a good way. I'd like to think that he's looking out for me, even if he's on the other side of the world...

He could be my guardian angel...or my mind's interpretation of God...or maybe me in masculine form...heck, it could be the love of my life for all I know. The only problem is, I don't have a clue WHO he is.

Weird, huh? It's like I'm holding out for something I've known for a long time...it's kinda useless to write about it since I can't seem to describe it.

Hey, I am as realistic as they get...but then again, my imagination keeps me optimistic and somewhat child-like...I'd like to refer to myself as a realistic optimist. I'm optimistic that I'll find out what the hell this recurring image/dream is about.

For now, it's out there! What I want out of this journey is that familiarity...who knows, maybe I knew him from another life...or perhaps a parallel universe? (Which would be awesome, actually!)

If it's just a dream and nothing more...then I'm ok with it too. Somehow, he shows up when I'm having dreams of walking alone. He'll be there holding my hand and guiding me...

Well, this is another useless scribbling...just needed to document this so I won't forget.

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At certain times, you stop for awhile to re-evaluate your life. I do it more often than I should, and this time's no different...

I seem to be going in the direction which i've planned for a long time. I'm gonna be 22, gonna be graduating next year, and will be looking for a job...OMG, i would actually have to grow up!

Would my life keep being this way, coz i can't take that's it's too straight...too black and white...to dull! I need to do some soul-searching before I start a career...perhaps travel a bit, explore LIFE! I have been dreaming of traveling the world, but to no avail...I keep thinking, "I need money, money, money!" Well, that's true, right? We NEED the dough to travel, to explore...but why can't that be my career?

That would be so mind-blowingly awesome! I don't know what job calls for a bubbly 20-something year old...to travel...food and lodging provided...benefits available...does that even exist?

I watch Discovery Travel and Adventure...and I really really envy that Samantha Brown, as she has my dream job. Boy, she must be enjoying it! I wanna be like that, but there's no chance...Malaysia can't come close to that! And I must be rational enough to realize that this just don't happen...

It's like your dad dreaming of becoming a rockstar...your mom wishing she married Tom Selleck...your brother dreaming of becoming Speed Racer...that's how my dream is!

Well, don't even know why in the hell i'm talking about this shit! But this dream will forever be etched in my head...

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It's now the 12th of November...

I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW FAST THE TIME IS PASSING US!!!

Just yesterday, I was registering for my 3rd semester...2nd year of uni. AND NOW? It is almost coming to an end. Christmas is upon us too...

What? Christmas?

I'm like 'Wtf?' over here...listening to Dave Koz & Friends : The Christmas Album or something like that. Hahaha, as much as i'd like to NOT admit it, listening to Christmas songs get me in the holiday mood...just puts me in a better mode. Makes me a tad more optimistic, gives me some hope for better days...

Oh, man...looking back, i find that my year hasn't really been a good one. Okay, so family-wise, it's great! But personally, my year was (and still is) boring. All I did was study, stay home...once in a while, I go out for a movie with friends. How pathetic is that?

I'm 21...and i'm freakin' boring! HAHAHAHA...that's rich! I have all this thoughts, plans, dreams...and I do it in the confines of the four walls that surround me (house, college dorm, class, etc).

I guess i'm waiting for the time when I get the chance to travel the world. Experience true freedom...or at least some of it! Why do I feel trapped all of a sudden? Maybe because I am? Between responsibilities at home, and at school...what have I got? Nil...

As I attempt to study for a test later in the day...I suddenly dream of taking ballroom dancing lessons...I would love to learn to salsa..woohoo! Then maybe i'll achieve 0% fat...lol! That'll be great...

Is what i'm writing even making any sense? From xmas, i went to boredom, then to my procrastination...and now, dancing? I think my head is overloaded with useless junk. The stuff I need to read-up on ain't goin' in...Shit, what am I gonna do?

Years of multi-tasking have done damage to my head, I tell ya! Damage!

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Why; the ultimate question for the ultimate time of tension...

I don't know, actually...guess i'm taking a break from all the shit!!!

I somehow need to step away from reality for now...by doing something non-academic. There's even things going on at home. My whole family are just too busy nowadays...know the last time I went out with friends? A few months back. How pathetic is that? Well, enough of all the shitty self-pity. Let me blog about fun things!

Well, here...the following list are stuff i wanna do in the future. Believe me when i say it'll deffo be updating it as time goes by. Here goes:

• I want to travel to France - have the ultimate cup of coffee in a small bistro in Paris, looking at the Eiffel Tower, eat great French cuisine in a posh French restaurant

• I want to go through the the ultimate love story - with a happy ending

• I want to enjoy a picnic in Central Park

• I want to celebrate New Year's Eve in Times Square, NYC

• I want to go to Tuscany and stay in a beautiful Italian villa and enjoy a view of a luscious vineyard with wonderful wine and pasta made by the locals

• I want to visit Amsterdam and go cycling, and try some legal green herbs...lol!

• I want to drive through the Vegas desert in a red convertible...and put my head in the air and feel the breeze

• I want to be rich and personally go to the African region and open up schools for boys and girls, with 50:50 ratio...i would recommend that boys take lessons on Respect for Women. The girls; studies in feminism

• I want to find my life's purpose

• I want to take up classical piano...and finish it this time!

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