Life's Sick Lil' Games...

WARNING: A depressing post...

It's been a rather sucky week...

First of all...I had to vent about my mom not supporting me and shit like that...but that was that. A rant! But I took the post out as fast as I posted it just because it wasn't me talking as much as it was my own resentment. I feel so sorry and guilty for it now...my mom has been the most supportive person in my life...and maybe this is just one part she wouldn't let go because she saw a glimmer of me finishing her unattainable ambition?

Maybe...but I shouldn't let my bitterness out as I did...I would just have to show her I can make it without going her pathway for me...I put my future in God's hands, whatever it is. I always wanted to achieve something big...to leave with a legacy bigger than myself. But it all depends on God and my own effort. We'll see how it happens though...

Secondly, My dear Uncle J has been confirmed to have a very aggressive form of cancer...which has now spread to his bones...and as he came to the house for a visit, my dad found out his brother, Uncle C had been found to have cancer...lung cancer. Both these men came over the same day. Uncle C's stage is unknown, and tests are currently being done while treatments to kill the cancer cells have begun. It was an extremely sad day for me, my family and the families of the brave men...

Earlier that day, my godfather called to tell me that his brother had passed away...

Literally one of the worst weeks...ever!

Not just saddening to think that my uncles diagnosed with cancer are just so brave...they even joke about their predicament...even saying that they would meet each other at "the gates"...I was successful in hiding my tears...and so were the rest of my family, except my mother...damn! Just then, Uncle J's eyes were welling-up, but he managed to put on a brave face.

Just goes to show that anything can be taken away...you never know when your loved ones would be taken away. After everyone had left, I just went into the bathroom to cry...thinking that cancer is such a death sentence if found too late...I prayed to God to protect the rest of my family members and friends from this horrible disease...

Then, just the other day I had a horrid dream: I had a dream where I heard my 20-year old sister screaming after answering the phone call in her room. I raced up, thinking the worst...I thought my father was dead...and it turned out Uncle C had died...

Then I woke up! Fucking awful dream coz it felt so real!

So, to sum it up...the past two weeks were filled with bad news...but I pray with all my heart and soul that God gives these men the strength and courage to go through it all...same goes to those around them. From what I see, my uncles are the ones consoling family members instead of the opposite...

Life goes on though...we just have to pull through...then again, it's easier said than done, right? All we can do is try our best.

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I know for a fact that I have lots to say or talk or write about, coz a lot has happened in the past few weeks...a lot!

But all in all, it was just great...nothing more, nothing less...guess the minute details will just have to remain in my memories coz I just don't know what to write about, heheheh! From th not-so-reunion (coz I wasn't even in the range of classmates...but I knew some of them), to the spontaneous trip to my friend's kampung (since over a year ago), to outings with my sisters...right up to tonight's freak-filled drive with the middles sister and "adopted" sister...lol!

Ok...hope there will be more stuff going on.

I thank God for everything in my life every single day. I'm happy because my parents and sisters seem happier...my parents don't argue like they used to...and I'm seriously happy because of this.

My mom and dad are super-stoked that I'm graduating...with mom always posting stuff about my "achievement" on her Facebook wall...much to my embarrassment! Ok, being the first child, I guess I could understand the pride of being their first child who completes their studies...I thought my mom was too much; my dad told EVERYONE! Okaaaaaaay...done!

I really enjoyed hanging out with the CS gang...it's like we never separated...the moment we got together...it was non-stop chatting for hours...thanks F...I swear, I had so much fun despite just being there for "1 hari 1 malam"...

It's football season now...and I want Argentina to win!!! Yeah...but if they should go out early on, I would support Germany...coz ich liebe deutschland sometimes, hehehe....and it's not because of Tokio Hotel ok!!! I supported Germany during the previous FIFA...then switched to Italy during the finals...

K, maybe I'm talking about too many things...so I best get a move on and switch my ass from this chair to the TV couch!

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Complaining is one of my greatest weaknesses...sometimes you just have those days when things don't go the way you want it. You go home (in my case, my single room in campus) to your solitary confinement...you then throw your weight on the bed, look up the ceiling and just have the whole day on playback in your head. From there, you go on and think about the bigger things; your future, where you're heading and you find yourself lost...the same ol' issue!

Happens all the time...

Sometimes you go into dark-mode...but i'm learning to cope by going the other way...like just reminding myself that I have everything I need in my life. Basic stuff for survival, stuff that feeds my mind, body and soul...and of course the greatest assets any human could have: a circle of trust...people whom you know will have your back in any situation.

Sometimes God speaks to you in ways you can't imagine...just when I started to get all gloomy and whatnot (maybe it's that fucking unfinished thesis and that trip I want to happen with every fibre of my being, which I've just come across some upsetting news!)...the song that played on my player was True Colors by Cyndi Lauper...damn, it made me cry!

I'm one of those people who really take the lyrics into heart, and I believe the words make the song. Of course, the music and melody plays an important role...but if the lyrics are just some jumbled-up crap...i'd hate it no matter how beautiful the melody...but that's just me!

Back to the story...I personally felt that someone was speaking to me...well, maybe not...but I would like to think so. It was just the perfect answer to that particular moment I was having. Take a look at the lyrics, and maybe you'd understand why I thought SOMEONE was speaking to me...

True Colors by Cyndi Lauper

You with the sad eyes
don't be discouraged
oh I realize
it's hard to take courage
in a world full of people
you can lose sight of it all
and the darkness inside you
can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors
and that's why I love you
so don't be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors are beautiful
like a rainbow

Show me a smile then
don't be unhappy, can't remember
when I last saw you laughing
if this world makes you crazy
and you've taken all you can bear
you call me up
because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors
and that's why I love you
so don't be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors are beautiful
like a rainbow

Thank you, God...I love you too! :')

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Ever just sat down quietly and contemplate on life? I do it all the time...

Sometimes, it just gets a little too complicated...when you think of the galaxy, other galaxies...other beings...if we are indeed the product of the Big Bang Theory, what about intelligent design, aka the human definition of a superior being (mostly referred to as God)?

If God had created us humans with our ability to think rationally, logically...and if He/She is indeed all-seeing, all-knowing, ever-present...how are we supposed to be? Why are we here? What lesson are we supposed to learn? Are we alone in this world? If so, why create such a huge universe, and if not...why can't we connect or see or communicate with terrestrial beings?

All these thought sometimes generate weird and scary questions too...like if I had a spaceship that could travel millions or billions of light years, where would I end up? What's at the end of the universe? Is it just a never-ending pitch-black space or would there be things that I could never imagine?

I have more to ask, but I think i'll just save it for now...

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I think I have an idea what I wanna achieve in the future...suddenly, it seemed so clear. And the fact that it ties well with my sis seals it...God, I hope it becomes something epic! Hahahaha...

But for now, i'm sticking to building bridges (for now!)...

Tomorrow is the day of the concert...and what we're getting is laughable! Damn damn damn! Boss better let us put this as an 'embellishment' on our CVs for paying us almost nothing!!! Thank God for him, he's friends with my parents, so in essence...we're doing him a favor. Oh, well...

Till tomorrow (as in later TODAY!)...

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Serious post ahead:

If I could save the world, I would be in Haiti...OMG, 111,000 lives claimed. And here we are...wasting the time that we have worrying about boyfriends not loving us enough...worrying about not finding the one...worrying about not catching Mr/Ms Right. Why don't we just forget all that shit just for a sec and focus on what we have...

I love what I have. I may not be wealthy in the material sense, but I AM wealthy when it comes to having loved ones. I am wealthy because I have what I need. I am wealthy because I can have water whenever I feel thirsty and food whenever i'm hungry. I have clothes on my back and money to spend for leisure activities. I can go out of my house without worrying of people looting shops and houses because they've lost everything they have that's worth anything.

I live in a country free of natural disasters (to a degree)...my friends and my family are safe from harm...I have an education...and we are all healthy...and for that, I'm grateful...and I love myself...after reading of all the horrors happening in Haiti...i shall never worry about not being tall enough, not being thin enough or not having flawless skin ever again! Why? Coz life is too precious to sweat the small stuff...yes, I know it's hard...but I sure as hell am gonna try!

For now, I offer my sincerest prayers for the lives lost in Haiti...for their families and friends, and I hope the people find a renewed strength and somehow rise up to the challenge that they have faced in these hard times. Amen!

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LMFAO! Sound familiar? Oh, c'mon...you must've heard it at least once in your life from somewhere! It's Spandau Ballet's True or something like that...don't even know why I bothered writing about it...must be going mad?

Anyway...life's been good! I've been battling all sorts of sickness for the past month--> I don't know, maybe it's because I keep getting the virus from every member of the family who gets sick? Fuck, i wish i had some sort of 'firewall' that shields me from all the sickness...i hate it, really! Such an inconvenience!

And my friends from high school keep pestering me about arranging some sort of meet for us friends...i'd love to help, but why does it have to be me who arranges thing? Lol, yes, i'm flattered you think of me, but really...i'd rather join in the fun rather than arrange things...besides, I'M FREAKIN' SICK! Lol...

And yes...still listen to TH every day...just before sleeping! Single dose, daily.

Been contemplating ME...i've always held that i'm spiritual, rather than religious...and i took out my old book by Walsch...which i bought when i was 17 or 18...i read it again...i never realized that it had elements of The Secret...but while reading the latter, i spotted Walsch's name as one of the 'teachers'...wow, go figure! There is some sort of correlation there! Indeed, we're all connected! I sometimes wish more people would get onto the bandwagon towards self-discovery, rather than being dictated that life is already written. But that's just me!

Now, another thing...my dad says he wants to widen his abilities as a musician...so he's gonna learn piano next year! Wow! I was totally out of my mind since I wanted to go back to learning it as well...so I told my dad, "Me too!!!"...so, yay!!! By next year, we'll be takin' piano lessons from my godmother...again! I don't know why, but i have a feeling, we'll be getting a piano!!! Lol...yes! LoA, do your work! I must learn the piano riff of that song...that beautiful, haunting riff!

Tonight, i'm gonna chill with my bestest best friends at the movies...however, be it at the mamak, at some crappy diner or wherever else...all i care about is that we have a blast just by hanging out and talking useless crap! Sometimes it's amazing how long we've stayed friends...i know, we've had different cliques throughout the years, but we've somehow managed to stay friends, unlike our former 'cliques'...funny, eh? Funny...but somehow, it kinda works! Remember, we all are supposed to wear some drapey top and skinnies...got it? And YOU know why, Foxie! LMFAO...see you!

For now...toodlez, bitches!!!

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Seriously...my life is REALLY REALLY like a rollercoaster!!!

Yesterday...a day of frustration...today? Utter bliss!!! I went to Genting with my buds, and woot!!! I had a blast!!! But one thing that i also appreciate is this...I WON A BLACKBERRY BOLD SMARTPHONE!!!

I was in a queue, waiting for my turn at the coaster-ride...when suddenly, i receive a call...a pleasant-sounding lady telling me i won the grand prize of the Hallmark channel's contest...and i was jumping and screamed "OMG!!! YESSS!!!", much to the people around me! What a day!!! The days of TV during the holidays worked out for me in the end, eh? Hehehe!

Maybe some friends or family-members are pissed at my win (coz this is not the first time i won stuff...), but heck...this is a gift from Hallmark, and God! Of course, i'll take it with an open heart, ok? LOL...nope, not even anything negative said to me could get me out of this blissful day...which i know can't last...so i have no choice but to enjoy it while i can!

I love today...i had fun with M, A, and F...we acted like such fools, but hell! I love acting like a fool so much, i'm often mistaken for one (i am one most of the time :D)! The rides weren't super scary to me...coz the one i was waiting for was closed due to maintenance works...damn! But we went on all the rides possible, and i have no regrets! Luckily, i'm not one of those who gets scared easily at rollercoaster rides or heights..that was all ok to me.

So now, i'm gonna wake from this "dream day" by going to sleep...I love my family and friends and my life and God! I know, there's always the bad, but there's good most of the time too!

Peace out, y'all!

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So far, you must forgive me for my boring 'vacation' so far...it is super-duper lame, LMAO! But, i see a silver lining. It makes me appreciate life outside of home more...i tend to be more outgoing while at uni...don't know why...but i am! I think it's an energy-field thing. I don't get good energy at home...maybe it's the feng shui outta whack or something! LOL...but that's just me!

Looking forward to meeting my family...OMG, the days draw near, and i'm excited but scared. What if it becomes a crappy holiday? But i must keep my optimism in check! MUST keep the optimism in check!

When i come back...there are plans that need to be fulfilled...like my promise to cook for my friends...vacay with my girls...trip with my sis (not confirmed)...clubbin with some pals (i must go this time!!!)...movies, movies, movies...hanging out with my besties more often...

See? These plans MUST happen, or i'll give myself a kick in the ass!

Another thing...i saw his profile on facebook...OMG! He's a friend of my friend...Hahahaha...but yeah, i think he's graduated already, so no chance of bumping into him any time soon...too bad! All we ever did was talk and the whole "i-peek-at-u, u-peek-at-me" sorta thing...yeah, so if it's not meant to be, i'm not counting on that.

And what do you know? Many of my classmates are feeling nostalgic nowadays...i'm lovin' it! Catching up after the years is something fun! I contacted my former besties on Facebook, and i would say, we've all moved on...which is pretty nice. Well, them together-- not so...

I, however am glad that i still can say i keep in touch with them, lol!

Wow, seeing most of them...my classmates...is like, wow! Hahaha, sorry, that's all i can say. They're all so grown up...most of them are abroad, studying...and i'm here, in a measly public uni...hahaha! No regrets though...it's still the cheapest education you could get...so i'm set! The whizzing off to another country thing...i'll save it for later, and i'm certain i will achieve it!

And so, the next sem...must start on thesis!!! Yuxx...

To friends who have hopes, dreams and ideals...never give up on them, coz whatever it is...GOD can dream bigger dreams than you ever could for yourself! Oprah said that, and look where she is now! Keep that in mind, and dream on...and while you're at it, dream BIG! Love you guys...you make my life a sweeter place to live in! May you live long and prosper (i'm not a trekkie!)

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Ever wonder sometimes where the hell you're heading for in life? I've made plans...and plans never turn out how you imagined them. I'm gonna be in my final year after the holidays, and i've yet to KNOW exactly what i'm supposed to be doing.

I can say where i could work...i could work for the foreign service, the Malaysian Political Think-tank, i could work for the bank, i could work for the various MNCs here in Malaysia, i could work as a journalist, i could work for the mass media...and many more. The key is "COULD"...but do i WANT to? What do i want? Do any of us actually figure out the answer in the end?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO!

Where am i heading? Shitdamncrap!

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Yay, it's over...French speaking test is over! That was so anti-climactic, really...your tension, stress and anxiety builds, and builds, and builds...

My answer to the above question was (please disregard the bad spelling and/or grammar...i'm just a n00b) :



Me: Le week-end, je me promene dans le parc, je faire de la cuisine...je...je...je faire de la
natation...

Le professeur: Do you go out during lunch-time? (sorry, i dunno how to write his part in
French...hehe!)

Me: Non...parce que je...

Le professeur: Oh, yeah...you cook! Ok, ok! What else? Where do you swim, in a pool, in a lake? Any other sports?

Me: Oh, je faire de la natation a la piscine. Je faire du badminton avec ma soeur.

Le professeur: Do you wake up late on the weekends?

Me: Non, parce que j'ai une seour bebe...(in a 'so you know how it is' kinda way...)

Le professeur: Do you sleep late?

Me: Oui...je me couche a deux heures...

Le professeur: Douze heures?

Me: Non...deux heures...

Le professeur: Douze heures?

Me: DEUX HEURES!!!

Le Professeur: Douze??? Minuit???

Me: Oui... (I give up!!! I meant 2 in the morning actually! Deux heures du matin!!!)



And the saga continues...a little better than the previous dialogue, heheh!

Then, when the time is gone...you're like: Was that it?

So yeah, it's over...now what?

Hahaha, such...is the way of life! No matter what, everything will pass. In no time, you look back to discover that it wasn't so bad as you thought it was (at that particular time). Maybe you'll even sit and laugh about it. That is my outlook on unfortunate events. I think that sorta takes me to a better mindset, place and it soothes my mind, body and soul (wow...deep!)

At this very moment, i'm reminiscing about all the times I felt disappointed, all the times I felt depressed, lonely, lazy, happy, sad, angered...and all I can do is laugh about it!

Funny, isn't it? This life...

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In all my life, i am the type that appreciates whatever 'chance' i get...and boy, if i had a nickel for every time i thanked God for the things i have; family, friends, things...i'll be set for life!

But one thing still creeps in my head...when will i be able to say that i have truly spent my life without fear, with pursuing what i really want? I'm afraid i can't, because the truth is...i don't know what i'm searching for.

Ever had that feeling? Sometimes, people just know what it is they are here for...they know that they are doing what they want...and i'm jealous of these people who just have the privilege to KNOW what they want...coz, boy...i sure don't!

I hate that i feel this way...i don't even know if i am what i wanna be.

Argghhh, why so emo?

And another thing...people keep asking me "Do you have a boyfriend yet?"

Why does society force the idea of 'having a bf is what you need...' into my freakin' head? I keep saying i haven't found the right guy yet...and they say, "You poor thing!"

I hate that! Why, why, why do i need sympathy? I don't have one...and that ain't a problem...so why do you think it is, huh?

I gotta tell ya, that JFK was one smart Mr. Prez...he said that "Conformity is the jailer of freedom", and that applies to me...to this subject...so please, don't feel sorry for me, or think that i'm playing for 'the other team'...having love in your life would be great, and i look forward to it...but why, oh why would i wanna be so desperate?

If it comes, it comes...but if it doesn't, so what?

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Results of my exams are coming out soon...scared as hell! I know there were a couple of slacked subjects, due to my lecturer's error...but, what's done is done, and i'll be happy enough if i get higher than my previous score...

Somehow i don't know if that could happen...geez!

Movies at often times get me thinking about my own life...will it imitate art? In a sense it does; hardships, dusting yourself up when you're down, and stuff like that. Sometimes you live vicariously through the characters...same as when you're reading a good book.

I'm looking at my life, and sometimes i just wonder when my real life would begin. Where's love? Where's the snarly best friend who's the 'court-jester'? Where's the tormented soul that you reach out to, only to fall in love and then be happy together in your romance-laden world full of poems, sonnets, and gazing up at the sky full of stars together?

I would usually wake-up, say that the real world has nothing like that to offer and get on with my boring life, and take the next guy that walks through the door...BUT I CAN'T!

For some reason, i can't settle for anything less than what i dream of, as naive as that sounds. That is why i have never had a boyfriend. And when people tell me it's impossible to NOT have one, i just feel like punching them in the face!

Why? Coz...i'm NOT needy and clingy like most girls out there? Because i believe in romance and the works? Because i'm not ready? Because i'm not a bimbo like so many girls are portraying? Because i have a wider vocabulary than you?

Then there's the "Oh, maybe she's not into guys..."

Wrong again, buddy!

The whole idea men get when a girl does not seem to respond to their machismo is that they're lesbians...i don't even have to dignify this so-called theory men use to justify them being turned-down...



P.S. These rants were long overdue, accumulated throughout my years of single-hood...a response to my own demons, and observations toward the current trend of bimbo-wannabes portrayed by endless amounts of 'chicks' in heat. If you feel burned, well...FEEL THE BURN, BITCH!

P.P.S. This was brought to you by a 21 year old who has witheld her thought on this for a very very long time! She's looking, but probably not your way!

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I would say i'm sorta strange...my ideals, my reality, my life, my likes, my pet peeves, my taste in music...etc. I like being me! Strange, weird, crayzeee! However...I hate being bored. That's why my days here are wasted on you, blog...I have no money to hangout, no car to drive out (coz Mom doesn't want me driving her car!!!)...sometimes I get into this mode like "Is this my so-called life?" It's soooooooo not interesting! Now that I have a baby sister, I can't even have an outing, without checking my other sister and parent's schedule...coz everybody's doing something!!!

I hate being bored, I hate being bored, I hate being bored!!!

I'm totally wasting my life by not experiencing it to the fullest...how the hell am I suppose to fall in love without getting out of the freakin' house? How the hell am I suppose to get new clothes without searching at stores for the right apparels? How the hell am I suppose to study when Dad's supposed to send me to campus to bring home my books? How am I supposed to experience the fullest life I can live without going out of my house??????????

I cook my sister's meals now...that's all I do now...and she finishes her dinner at lunchtime, too! Says she can't help finishing all of it! Lol, I must be a great cook!!! I'm fed up with just cooking, you know...I don't know, this isn't suppose to be this way, my life is NOT how I want it to be!

Damn it!


AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

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Is this it?

I came back home expecting a little more than "Hi!"... well, what can a girl do, right? I can't expect a grand welcoming party...Hahahaha!!! I wish my life were less dull, though! I'm going to buy stuff tomorrow...Lol, may I get some eye candy!

The journey home is real hectic, I tell ya...I have to take three different trains; interchanging at different stations. What else? Oh, yeah! My little sister has oficially remembered her crazy, big sister...she identified me by my wackiness and flair for acting like a fool...i'm the court jester of the house, I guess!

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WHINE ALERT!!!

Sigh, will there ever be someone for me? I think not! But you know something? I'm not gonna settle for less than I want...I couldn't...I can't!!! Some old timers tell me to lower my standards; AS IF!!! Besides, it's not like they're happily married! The identities of these old bags? I guess you'll never know...LOL!!!

Well, i'm on this journey called life, and I expect to go through the best life possible; I mean, what is life without falling in love, right? What is life without love? I wish I will have what my parents have---REAL love...I mean, you can tell they're STILL in love. Sometimes, I see my Mom holding my Dad's hand...my dad buys Mom flowers and stuff for their anniversary...it's so sweet! You don't go and have a baby after 20 years of marriage if you don't love each other after all these years, right?

Well, I KNOW what kind of life it can be without love--DULL!!! Of course I know this coz i've been single all my life!!! I'm not a desperate girl...I don't go knocking on doors to find Mr. Right, and I don't like it when my friends, cousins, aunts, uncles ask me when am I gonna have a boyfriend. It's just something I think about, for future use.

We all need to fall in love once in a while, right?

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