Life's Sick Lil' Games...

No, hell hasn't frozen over...

Just that i'm in an anxious mood right now. It's the moment of truth...my future, my imminent present...which university or college shall I be selected for?

I must admit, throughout the months after high school, or what i'd call the 'waiting period', i've had a few dilemmas...i didn't want to be selected into a government university...although that's what thousands of Malaysian students are fighting for...

I'd lost faith in the government, and opted not to work for the Foreign Service due to the preferential treatment of a certain race...and instead started dreams of working in the media, journalism, PR, writing, etc...

I didn't save money throughout my working period due to expenses, and the new sister needs some stuff...which I offered to purchase instead of my parents...now, i'll have to ask them for money when I start my studies...shit!

I was contemplating which college I would go for...a Plan B in case I wasn't selected! Boy, what a cynic i've become! I hate that i'm such a pessimist...it all stems from constant disappointments in my life; when I hold out for something, it turns out differently. I don't even believe in falling in love anymore!

I'm happy with my family, but...i've never seen any of my friends for a long time, and I miss them so much! These friend are but a few, but they're the ones i'd keep forever! (Sure, I do have a lot of friends, but they're not the BFFs i'm referring to...)

And now, I shall change for the better...a better daughter, a better student, a better friend, a better human being! Lastly, may I regain the bubbly personality, the belief in romance, in good, sincere people, in optimism...without seeming too philosophical about the simple things in life!

Good luck, me!

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Indeed, the days DO pass quickly...just yesterday we found out mom was pregnant...just yesterday, I was that naive girl who thought I will always be the bubbly, cheerful gal, with a great life...just yesterday!

What I found out throughout the years is suffering, disappointments, sadness...they come with life, as a package deal. However, with the bad, comes the good, right? I sure hope so. It seems when i'm most confident at achieveing something, a huge pile of disappointments comes along. My grades, my social life, my attitude...and i'm just 20!

I want to be someone better...and I sure hope I can, coz i've experienced a lot for someone my age. Now, all I want to do is to go to college and excel at it, make 'em proud of me, help take care of my baby sibling, and then, maybe serendipitously, find someone who'll accompany me in my life's journey.

I've been all by myself, I just don't know how to be with anyone...but i'll try if the right man comes along. Maybe it's karma for turning down the guys who liked me...who knows? I'm sure i've hurt them, but you can't clap with one hand, right? They were nice guys, but I just wanted them to be friends, and they couldn't handle that.

At least I was up front about it...no games, no leading-ons. I'm happy about that! Just that maybe I wasn't ready, wasn't attracted...you can't force thing like these.

Sigh, maybe i'm being punished...but I STILL ain't gonna settle for what I don't want! I'll know it's right when I feel it...

Isn't that what love's supposed to be?

(I've somehow strayed from the title! Lol!)

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