Life's Sick Lil' Games...

I don't have to say much. We've all been there. Especially for some people who have it easier than some.

Why don't you fucking realize that you have everything that you need, and the rest of us take the hard way...we go to public universities coz we can't afford more expensive colleges; we don't have wealthy benefactors to give us any funds coz...meh, just a tough break.

Some of us deliberately take a different route simply because we don't want our mothers to dictate what we should become. What we initially thought we wanted was not what WE wanted, but what our parents wanted for us...

Some of us do not have a history of cutting ourselves and being useless during a certain phase of our teenaged life. So buzz off, it's my turn to do what I WANT; since you did it your whole "phase"...give me my fucking chance for once! Because of you, I forced myself to become the "good child"...so fine...i'm a useless piece of crap now. But now you're the "good child"...so what's the fucking problem? I'm not hurting myself, right?

You DG2S about what I think right? Well, if you don't...why the hell are you always in my face about every single petty issue? Just.shuuuuut.upppppppppppp.OMG!!!

Realize...things are so much deeper than the shallow surface you see. I guess you always think in a shallow way. Well I don't. Everything is steeped in other unresolved issues, asshole. You are such a megalomaniac!

PS: This is my only outlet...so please, let me be! Nobody ever takes my side, so TQVM! I'm mad...boohoo!

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I seem to live in a society where marriage is something that you HAVE to do by the age of 25. So I'm 24 this year; without a boyfriend.

So what?

Whenever people talk to me about getting married, all I can do is force myself to NOT puke in my mouth. The word MARRIAGE scares the hell out of me!

So shoot me if I never did go long enough with a boy to call it a relationship. I date to know whether we can go further. But somehow, I never go further than that. I just don't connect well with them. Some small annoyance, like the way they eat, the way they treat people in general, the clingy-ness...they just get to me. Yes, and the guys I have major crushes on...they're taken. TAKEN...and I don't like being a third party in any circumstance whatsoever.

So yes, I want a guy who can understand me well. Whom I can understand well. Oh yeah, while I'm at it...since ALL guys say looks are important, why not take that route too? I've been saying that looks aren't important, but what the hell...from now on, I'm gonna follow suit. I've always been a follower of attraction; but to me, it wasn't JUST the looks. It included something called intelligence, a great sense of humor, a bit of witty sarcasm, a bit of geekism, and a hint of machismo. But since LOOKS are important to guys...oh, well...when in Rome...

Yeah, looks like I'm lacking in the ideas department...so I thought I'd go with a "bitter" post...thanks. Have a great Monday!

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My grandma died. Saw that my dad was really really sad; he wept like a little boy. I only cried when I saw him that way. I love my grandma coz she was my grandmother...but I still can't forget what she did to my dad and his siblings by leaving them. My dad was only a baby when she left them to marry another man. So now you know.

Yes, she was nice to me and my sisters. She had a full life, in terms of being lucky to have her kids care for her and love her unconditionally till her last days on Earth. She is at peace now, and hopefully in a better place.

Yes...I am quite removed from this. This did not affect me as much as it would have...

Just a day after her death was the death of one of my idols: Steve Jobs. After a long battle with cancer, he's gone. His suffering, too...has ended.

Now this 2nd death...this brought me to feel sad...but I couldn't show people that I was more sad for his death now, could I?

Man, anyone who reads this might think I'm a bitch for admitting what I'm actually admitting. I read a book about him for my Book Review Presentation during my days as a trainee. It affected me in such a way, that I actually started to research Jobs, the person - his presentations, his personality, history, words of wisdom...and you know what? He...he was the epitome of innovation. He was the ultimate CEO. He followed his passion and what he loved. Now this is something I'm trying very hard to find...doing work which you love.

Without him, we would be listening to music through God knows what. We would probably NOT have awesome GUI and calligraphic fonts on computer. We would probably not have computers in our homes. We would NOT have all the touching Pixar animations and the technology to create such heart-warming lovable characters.

He was brilliant. He was something I aspired to be (like Oprah, hehehehe).

He learned calligraphy, joined the Hare Krishna in India, did psychedelic drugs, opened a company which would be a Fortune 500 company which was synonymous with innovation, craziness and thinking differently.

I actually watched his speech at Stanford for the 2nd time (it made me cry). His words resonates with me till now. It made actually my presentation something. I started to follow how he presented things. He was the master of presenting latest gadgets from Apple. Just watch any of the launching of Macbooks, iPods, iPhones, etc...

At the end of my presentation, I received an awesome response from the audience just because you could see the twinkle in my eye and that passion. I loved that book and it showed! I wish I could find more of that in my life.

Steve may have never known me, but I'm only one of the billions of people affected by his dent he put on the universe. I shall always try my best to follow his favorite quote, "Stay hungry, stay foolish". I shall always look back and "connect the dots" on how the little steps I took in my life affected the outcome...just like his did.

Today, and probably for the decades ahead...Steve Jobs's legacy will live on just like Thomas Edison is remembered today. In textbooks, you will be a historical figure.

Thanks, Steve. RIP.

PS: Grandma...u RIP too. I know you're in a better place now. I hope.

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Yeah...first year since I started my stint with this group. It's sort of an end to something which I would consider as my starting point. My stepping stone.

Alas, i'm nowhere...I am still in the process of settling. I don't wanna talk about details because I don't think it's important to be documenting on this blog.

I can't believe how long it's been since I last updated. I remember a time where i used to write about how i was feeling practically everyday or more. Looking at my last post, it was about my nonexistent love-life. Well, that issue is so "nothing new"...hehehe!

I've come to terms with it...I think God forgot to make my other half when he made me...maybe. But you know what, I'm so over it. In my life, my focus is ME! My family and friends are enough for me to get along in life.

One thing i'm doing right is crossing out all the things i've wanted to do ever since i was little. I've already accomplished learning French...next thing is learning Salsa...now i've wanted to learn this since the first time I watched Strictly Ballroom. So ok, that movie was more ballroom dancing rather than salsa, but I've always been fascinated by this Latin American dance. It's simply something i've always wanted to do. So yeah...i'm in the process of learning.

The next thing I wanna do is to further my studies...I just have to, not for anyone else...but just for ME. Because I made a promise to myself to do this...i owe it to me to fulfill my own wish!

Another is to travel the world. Now I always count on the right timing for basically EVERYTHING. So anytime something I wish for doesn't happen, it's not because of bad luck...it's just bad timing! Yeah...I notice now, everything falls into place when it's the perfect moment, the perfect timing. Guess time is as important as people say, huh?

Sure have a lot to write about...but when have I not? Maybe I'll see you again in a month or two...or maybe later? lol!

Anywayz, I miss updating this blog...it's the only consistent thing I've ever done without people knowing about it. I'm happy about it!

Oh and another thing. Thank you God for all the people in my life...the good, the bad and the ugly. I've learnt from EVERYONE and I would never change anything coz it's shaping me to become the person I aspire to be.

As for material things...I would like to have some...please? Heheheh...it would be nice to spoil the ones you love when you have the chance to, right? Sigh...I will...one day...God-willing! Amen.

Here's to random blogposts, coz that's the way I roll!

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I've been watching (500) Days of Summer over and over and over again. OMG, it's so utterly wonderful I find myself quoting the lines since i've watched it for the 1000th time.

The story is amazing, the songs...don't get me started. I have the soundtrack and it pretty much sums up every scene of the movie. The fun parts the sad parts, etc...

I now understand one thing, though...I might have to accept the fact that i would never ever find that guy i've always hoped for. The first reason is...he doesn't exist. Second, I am so over it. All i've been doing was living an idealistic dream of finding Mr. Right. Nevermind waiting forever..as long as you never settle for less than you deserve.

I blame Hollywood. I blame love songs. I blame my high standards. I blame my "don't settle" attitude. I blame myself.

And yet...I still can't seem to accept just any man in my life. Maybe because they are not "him" -- you know...that guy! That guy i've been building in my head. He's totally perfect, and because of this, I can't accept anybody who isn't "him". I'm not just another girl who is boy-crazy and will accept any guys who fancies her (like a few girls I know). I know I keep talking about hot guys and shit like that...but that is just me being that playful me that I am. It takes a lot to impress me. I know it's harsh, coz I'm not even remotely close to perfect; I'm trying to be...but nobody's perfect.

This is why all I wanna do is advance in every way possible. And be the best person i can be. Why? Because I realize I will end up without a man in my life. That man I've been waiting for...he just doesn't exist. And it's hard for me to accept this fact.

I am writing this out of the frustration i've been feeling for a long time. It's only official when I put it in writing. So there...in all its glory...for the world to see.

And if I should be with someone sometime in the future...I don't even know I it would be real love, or my eventual conformity into society's expectation of me. But you know that isn't me...

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